@autistics@fedigroups.social
For those of you who may be sensitive to such things. I am going to be talking about chronic illness and especially the complexity of additional conditions later in life. No details, just a general, well, vent I suppose, as part of my process of coming to terms with this and understanding it.
I was born with chronic asthma. In fact, as a very young child, doctors told my parents that I wouldn't make it through the night, on at least two different occasions, it was that bad. It has, in a sense, shaped my life, just as much as my autism/adhd (even though I didn't have a name for that then) and that is because I had to learn to adapt to them in much the same way. By understanding what they would allow and most definitely what they wouldn't. What perhaps I could manage and what would definitely cost too much. It all meant that my life and the choices I made going forward were governed as much, if not more, by what I couldn't do, as by what I potentially could.
And then comes the addition to my elder days of other chronic issues. COPD and a back that is truly fucked, which I believe was the medical terminology used. Suddenly I have a conflict of many separate demands on my resources, any and all of which can be draining and no way of really knowing which will be in play on any given day, above and beyond their natural state of dysfunction and energy drain.
It leaves me, with what I like to call, Schrödinger's draw. In principle spoons should be in there, but whether they are, or aren't and how many there might be, can't be known until I look inside each day. It makes planning a far more uncertain process, even to something as simple as the next day. In fact, at times, it seems almost impossible. My life filled far more with cannot's and maybes, than with anything else. Something my audhd nature is far from happy with and that can bring a greyness to the world as I realise that I can barely see ahead any more and attempting to do so with any hope is far more difficult.
Still, it is early days and no doubt I will adapt. If there is one thing being audhd all my days has taught me, it is how to do that.
Please note. I am fine and it is still early days. And anyone replying with anything about therapy and getting it, could very well be met with all the withering scorn available to my embattled and gnarly old soul. (But that's just me and therapy)
#ActuallyAutistic
#Autism
#Spoonie
