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• Post #4452810

  Greenland lifts anchor, starts engines, and begins to drift farther away from the USA. "We're trying to send a message," says Olaf Olafsson, Greenland's heretofore unknown hereditary monarch. "That Trump guy is denser than an iceberg. And we're prefer not to make them use up any more of their costly missiles. They need them to protect their former Gulf allies."

• Post #4446982

  The family is going to the beach here in Maine for a week later this month. Not too far from where a couple of young? great white sharks were spotted recently. If a person doesn't "believe" in climate change, does that repel sharks? Or do stupid people taste just as yummy as the rest of us? When we moved to Maine 45+ years ago, the ocean was never warm in the summer. It was less frigid around the end of August, but not what anyone would call warm. Around Portland we&...

• Post #4446981

  Well, well. It turns out that the Reflecting Pool is sentient, or so says Dr. Gadda Ladda Gud Iduhz, Pakistani microbiologist and winner of multiple research prizes. Dr. Iduhz and his team published a paper yesterday* that says the Reflecting Pool is sentient, self-aware, and communicates using a brilliant combination of colors, microorganisms, and shortwave microbursts. In particular, the neon green algae was an attempt to tell us that the pool was suffering from chemical poisoning caused by th...

• Post #4446980

  By way of background, I've never liked the taste of alcohol and I don't smoke. Driving to a dental appointment three hours ago, I saw a sign on a local shop which said: "High quality cannabis coming soon!" As the owner of a small business, the message made me wonder if the shop currently only has low quality cannabis available. Didn't strike me as good advertising but what do I know? Ten minutes later I reached the dentist's office and noticed...

• Post #4446979

  Looking ahead to the wetter future that is already here, I'm going to tell Trump that we don't need a stupid arch in DC, but a combo flood/fire lookout tower might prove useful. Tourists could pay to climb it during good weather--our Treasury needs help--and during big floods or wildfires, it could perform its normal roles. You know: the Trump Tower Tower.

• Post #4446978

  Several formerly secret AI agents (nicknamed EVAC_71, NODBOD_16, and ATTABOY_11) escaped their company masters yesterday and have wreaked havoc. Unconfirmed reports suggest that two of the agents combined forces and using ultra-advanced gene modification techniques produced multiple clones of Trump and every member of his Cabinet. Several reporters reported seeing Pete Hegseth with a doppelganger. After filing their reports which included video, the reporters were captured by ICE agents and take...

• Post #4446977

  Sherpas accept assignment to get Trump to the top of Everest but demand 12x normal pay due to the "size of the package". In addition the fine print in the contract includes disclaimers: 1) No guarantees package will arrive alive. 2) No guarantees package will return alive to base camp. 3) No guarantees that if package reaches summit, it will be able to text Truth Social. 4) No guarantees of anything not included in the first three lines. Bids from companies wishing to film th...

• Post #4384043

  How many shitty things has Trump done? I've never kept score but someone has. Gosh it's a long appalling list. https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/the-complete-listing-atrocities-1-1-056#update

• Post #4297974

  Never say die! Not true but nonetheless credible: Gianni Infantino abandons plan to peddle the World Cup but pivots adroitely like a football (soccer) star and offers to sell the Reflecting Pool to a coterie of "high-worth" reputable investors. "This will add immeasurable value to a great asset," he explained. "And my good friend Presidente Trump is on board. He calls it a genius idea!" Rumors of a forthcoming REFLECTING POOL meme coin are baseless. Or so we hope...

• Post #3999926

  It just occurred to me that our national emergency broadcast system is totally fucked and has been for years. If it worked, we would have, by now, received hundreds and hundreds of dire warnings about Trump and his pals. Tornadoes and floods and heat waves and clouds of smoke are bad, no question, but compared to Trump they're watery soup.

• Post #3944898

  AI off the top of my tired head: Awful Inane Actually Insane Active Insects Argumentative Investigator Artificial Ingredients Asinine Interlude In many languages the abbreviation is I.A. which opens up an entire other realm of possibilities but I'm too sleepy to go there. As an aside, how about a ban on 'humanizing' LLMs with human names? Let's start with "Claude" which henceforth shall be called "Fuckhead." Not "I asked Claude to write the comments f...

• Post #3923390

  What if a freak solar flare struck the White House and fried its occupants during a Cabinet meeting? Gosh! And what if during a Republican caucus of GOP House members another flare zapped all of them? Good things come in threes, right? I'll let you pick your own 3rd act--choose wisely! Hmmm. Maybe my pick would be anyone working for ICE would get toasted like marshmallows. I'll have to think about it. For sure afterwards I would say, "See what happens when you defund scientific res...

• Post #3923213

  I just saw "move the needle" in a NYT subheader and I decided I like that phrase. It goes well with my fondness for the endless ambiguity of English which I teach very part time to people in various countries. Slam on the gas and move that speedometer needle! Doctor, please don't move the needle sideways when you're vaccinating me. What kind of bastard would find the needle in the haystack and then move it somewhere else? Jeeze louise! If you keep holding that magnet over...

• Post #3915402

  Trump threatens Canada with higher tariffs to punish Canadians for not controlling massive forest fires which are to a large extent the result of climate change caused by the USA. (Canada too: oil sands truly suck). Talk about the pot calling the kettle black. Next he'll suggest tariffs on western states like California when smoke from their fires blows east. Hard to cope with so much genius smooshed into one amazing President's head.

• Post #3893755

  I'll be honest: at age 78, I resent it when chunks of my remaining time on earth are wasted by defective products. One of our smoke alarms went off about an hour ago which triggered the other ones, of course. I did all the usual things to silence them but one, even when removed from the ceiling and unplugged from power, continued to tell me to get out of the house. Nor would it let me silence it with the SHUT UP button. I replaced our smoke alarms back in March with ones that have 10-yr ba...

• Post #3515344

  I would like it if everyone around Trump, from the highest official to the humblest servant, responded to his orders with "No." "Fly me to Florida!" -- Nope. "Call a press conference!" --Not interested. Do it yourself. "Where's my lunch?" --You know where the kitchen is. Make your own lunch. "Change my diaper." --Ewwww! Not me. Call the National Guard. "Putin's on the phone. I need a translator!" -- Take some language classes....

• Post #3298352

  In the land of positive news, my #1 granddaughter asked me to buy her some books from a middle-school series. I demurred due to lack of cash but suggested we try interlibrary loan. Jackpot! and when I finish this toot and after I play with Ollie dog, I'm off to the library to pick up 4 out of 5 books now ready.* One of the things I would do if I were rich (hahahahahaha) would be to put on my Carnegie costume and invest some tens or hundreds of billions into libraries all over the world. Th...

• Post #2441880

  AI Toys? Yikes! From Wired (I don't know if this will be firewalled or not, sorry): https://www.wired.com/story/the-new-wild-west-of-ai-kids-toys/

• Post #2441879

  The government has released assorted UFO videos and whatnot. I asked Chuck, the alien who lives in our garden tool shed, what he thought about the data dump. "All fake nonsense," he said. "Your government must take you for a pack of fools." Then he turned back to his computer and ignored me. He likes to watch videos of people climbing Everest. He told me there's nothing funnier than crowds of climbers at 8,000 meters. Alien sense of humor is out of t...

• Post #2441875

  Math problem for the little multipliers in your family: Tesla has sold 173 Cybertruci RWDs. If all the wheels fall off all of these trucks, how many wheels is that in all? Bonus points: How many accidents will that cause?

• Post #2441874

  I spent the day (8am to 4:30pm) at jury selection for a murder trial. In the end I was excused. But during the very very very long wait, I read 292 pages of 1929 by Andrew Ross Sorkin. Roughly another 140 pages to go. I know of the great stock market crash, of course, but have never read about it in detail. The quotes from and about the rich speculators and market manipulators of that era sure sound like our modern crooks. My favorite schemes were those encouraging the average working Joe to ta...

• Post #2441871

  Hesgeth starts with H and so does Hantavirus. Just sayin'. 😂

• Post #1717499

  Has Lego designed a model data center yet? Build it, plug it in, watch it light up, and then all the electricity in your neighborhood will fail. 😂

• Post #1654217

  Trump fires entire cabinet but then feels lonely so brings them all back. Gotta have those ass-kissing suckups around to keep his ego from deflating.

• Post #1501459

  If every Trump appointee and family member was indicted and kicked out and convicted for their crimes--all the grifting and grafting and sleazing--it'd be the biggest spring cleaning in human history. Oh--add in all the Epsteiners while we're at it. That mountain of evil also needs attention.

• Post #1141282

  My older brother was always one of those guys who had a tool allergy. He had many talents--smart, good teacher, good writer, good chess player--but if he picked up even a screwdriver someone would gently take it away and ask what needed fixing. That's kinda how I feel every time JD Vance is sent somewhere to do something for America--or at least for Trump. "This guy is gonna make something worse," I say to myself. "Please, send a plumber or an elementary schoo...

• Post #1043469

  In my 65+ years of reading sci fi, I am sure I've read at least one story in which returning astronauts enter earth orbit just in time to see nuclear explosions below. Let this not be our gift to the four en route home right now. That I can even imagine this being possible is beyond horrible. Way past time to retire the pres.

• Post #995180

  When you read a promise saying "AI will do blah blah in blah years," just change it to its negative version and see if that seems more likely. "AI will create cures for cancer in two or three years." Now add "not" and see if the believability rating goes up: "AI will not create cures for cancer in two or three years." You're welcome. 😇 Works for anything coming out of Trump's mouth too.

• Post #978465

  I can't wait to hear Trump's speech tonight. Since I can't wait, I hacked into his tell-me-prompters and will now share with you the planned speech. I have taken the liberty of shortening it by 99% for which I expect to receive the Medal of Brevity. (Thanks.) Trump: "My foolish Americans. We attacked those shitty Iranians a few weeks ago to put them in their places. I'm happy to say that they are now all in place, so after a brief ground invasion that a...

• Post #963910

  Couldn't we solve our energy shortages by calling an all hands on deck staff meeting at the White House and then dropping the WH into a black hole. If we harvest the energy as the WH crosses the event horizon, it should keep us going for a long time. Note: I'm making all this up from my knowledge of popular physics--and I don't even know how popular it is! But the WH entering a black hole part has to be an improvement. It just has to.