Post #1042064
2024-01-18 07:15 UTC
Replies (29)
-
@toni@blahaj.zone 2024-01-18 09:39
@oddtail@meow.social Thanks for this. I have had those 'meh' feelings, and continue to on occassion, and I'm 2 years in now. I've been living my gender for 3 years (when I started laser), so it isn't even because I'm still living my AGAB, because I'm not. Other than a few documents I need to change I've had my legal name change for a year and half. I haven't mapped those feelings at all, but I suspect they are more frequent at a certain time of the month.
-
@novenary@akko.wtf 2024-01-18 10:08
@oddtail I'm still pre transition but I've known for about 5 years now and this still hasn't changed for me, every time I doubt my transness it keeps coming back I have friends who are seemingly indecisive about their gender but I know exactly what's going on with them, because, been there done that figuring all of this out takes time, making peace with it all is tough, but nothing can invalidate those feelings in the long run :neocat_heart:
-
@SympathyTea@wetdry.world 2024-01-18 10:31
@oddtail thank you for this post, very helpful as someone who is currently unable to medically transition due to the cost of it + slightly unwilling parental figures in my life constantly trying to scare me out of it it really has just turned tiring rather than full blown dysphoria whenever i am reminded of the flesh prison i inhabit
-
@Aurora_Bee@deadinsi.de 2024-01-18 11:04
@oddtail this is so important thank you for this. I think also something that has left me a bit doubtful about me being trans in my early days is that I couldn't exactly define what I was trying to become instead of embracing the process. It was a way for my internalized transphobia to go "well you don't seem to be very 100% on being a trans girl" as well as "well you don't seem to be very 100% on being non-binary". And at some point I went "true, I might not be sure about either of these, but that still means I'm definitely not cis, and starting my transition, both social and medical is something I want to do and I think will help me, so I should stop getting lost in the details and actually do what I can. Fuck gender, I deserve happiness."
-
@polychromata@animalfound.family 2024-01-18 15:56
@oddtail@meow.social can confirm. binary trans here: mostly didn't hate my assignment; mostly it was just “yeah, whatever, it's okay i guess” guess what me being a girl fucking rocks though fucking rocks > meh whatever that's how i'm trans
-
@LexYeen@plush.city 2024-01-18 16:44
@oddtail I can't imagine a better way to put all of that. :heart_trans:
-
@EveOfTheFuture@lgbt.io 2024-01-18 17:27
@oddtail Thank you for this I was feeling very unconnected from everything, not just transness, and I think I needed to hear this
-
@Tywele@corteximplant.com 2024-01-18 18:47
@oddtail These are exactly the thoughts that went through my head shortly after coming out and they still sometimes show themselves. It's important for every freshly cracked egg to know this IMO.
-
@violet@lgbtqia.space 2024-01-18 18:47
@oddtail Thank you so much for articulating this so clearly. I'm going to share my reactions to specific parts in case they resonate with someone else who needs to hear this. This is a long post, so I'll break it up with headings! THE BEFORE TIME Two years ago, after my marriage ended, I started rediscovering my femininity, without realizing what it meant. One year ago, I was completely burned out from stress at work, continued grief from my marital separation, and unconscious dysphoria. After getting into a stable situation, I fell into a mindset of being content with my existence, but not really caring about it. I was constantly so very tired. Then came my awakening... WTF AM I DOING?? I had so much doubt during those first couple of months! What am I doing? Is this real, or do I just want to escape this nothingness? But I still pushed forward, doing everything possible to start my medical transition. Even now, after three months on HRT, "Mr. Doubt" still occasionally knocks on the door. IMAGINE... Every time I've ever imagined myself with a feminine body, I've felt a painful longing, a deep ache for something I never thought I could have. I suppressed it for so long because I thought it was just a silly dream, and I had to face the harsh reality that I was just a man--a word I've always hated when I applied it to myself. BACKING UP A BIT The first time I started to embrace my femininity was 17 years ago. I was discovering myself, and feeling great about being accepted by my female friends. I went for three laser sessions when I realized how much I hated my facial hair (without realizing the significance). But after being ghosted by my best friend (100% my fault) and a disastrous dating period, I told myself to stop pretending and face reality. Like the prisoner running back into Plato's cave, I buried my true self and tried to play the role I thought I had to play for 15 more years. WHAT YOU DON'T MIND DON'T MATTER Today I'm 100% committed and 100% overjoyed about my transition, but I'm still zeroing in on the masculine aspects I want to keep. Even that thing. I can't wait to get rid of his two buddies (who are really useless), but I'm keeping a part of me that screams masculinity. I'm also working out to preserve my "hard curves." I love the curve of my shoulders, even if most women would consider them overly bulky. They don't make me feel less feminine. JUST WINDOW DRESSING They say "the clothes make the man." For the most part, I wear the clothes I've always worn. I don't wear makeup to work every day. Despite my highly dysphoric bald spot, I don't wear a wig. All of those things are just expression. I'm confident in my identity and less concerned with how other people see my gender. I don't think of it as "boy-mode." To me it's a neutral presentation. In my workplace, we all wear jeans and casual shirts. On the shop floor, women wear the same coveralls as men. (They don't fit well, but that's another story.) My cis-feminine coworkers aren't seen as male because of their clothing; I'm not male because of mine. SAY MY NAME If there's one thing that makes me feel beautiful inside, it's when people call me Violet. It would have been worth coming out just for that joy. My old name was just a label; my real name is *who I am.* Think of what makes you light up inside, the little things that make you yearn for your authentic gender. Let your doubts rise and wash over you; the sum of all of your joy will wash them out to sea. IN THE NOW Mr. Doubt visits me less often now, but he's still there, snoozing in my cerebellum. I don't care about him. After 53 years in the cave, I feel like I've *lived* most of my life in the last five months. Several times every day, I pause and thank the universe for my transition. I AM VIOLET I'm trans, I'm feminine, and I feel beautiful. :heart_trans:
-
@owashe@meow.social 2024-01-18 18:55
@oddtail I'm still trying to figure this all out and it was immensely helpful. Thank you ❤️
-
@samadeleine@tech.lgbt 2024-01-18 20:42
@oddtail Also, while gender feels like a huge deal early in transition, it's only a small part of who you are. If you're mostly comfortable with who you are, then you get to keep being that person, but with more authenticity. :)
-
@kishi@yiff.life 2024-01-18 20:49
@oddtail Huh... I needed this, thank you. Cheers.
-
@Aquilahopemage@rage.love 2024-01-18 21:23
@oddtail I feel weird at this point. I do feel tired having to correct people calling me ‘sir’ but I know all my loved ones understand me being nonbinary too. I’m just hopeful I can get access to gender affirming care this year and finally get the final medical transition started. Everything else is in place.
-
@apm77@mastodon.online 2024-01-18 22:14
@oddtail Don't have time to comprehensively comment this morning, but if anyone's looking for an online trans community where such topics are often discussed, consider Crossdream Life https://www.tapatalk.com/groups/crossdreamlife/ which is run by @transworld plus a team of mods (including me).
-
@jepyang@wandering.shop 2024-01-18 22:42
@oddtail Thank you for this. I’ve been needing to hear this lately…
-
@ValkyrieRoo@cubhub.social 2024-01-18 23:26
@oddtail it took me a very long time to realize this and now im happier than ever with who i am
-
@KindlyWizard@girlcock.club 2024-01-18 23:57
@oddtail I experienced this as well.
-
@Qyriad@chaos.social 2024-01-19 11:20
@oddtail "dysphoria comes in waves" was really common and vital trans advice a while ago, I think we should bring it back
-
@QuietMisdreavus@squad.town 2024-01-19 16:59
LB: i’m almost five years HRT, had all the surgeries i want to have had, and i still forget that i’m a woman a lot of the time. i’m also almost always exhausted so i definitely agree with OP’s thesis
-
@jaycie@tech.lgbt 2024-01-19 19:31
@oddtail This is such an important observation. Thank you for sharing.
-
@narada@foxgirl.lol 2024-01-19 21:48
@oddtail >[Y]ou realized you're trans You people have a religion where your fundamental concept of self and identity is based on pornographic fixations. Rather than doing this bizarre shit and dragging others into the pit with you, meditate and seek the true Self within. As you acquire knowledge of the Self, you'll come to see the hidden viciousness that dwells in the trans-spirit you currently worship
-
@zauberin@plush.city 2024-01-22 18:00
@oddtail I'm not early in transition, but this is still something I needed to hear. And something I wish I had heard when I came out, back when I had almost no information or trans people to talk to.
-
@fluffyanthro007@furry.engineer 2024-02-04 04:47
@oddtail thanks, I needed to see this...
-
@otterpuppyash@furries.club 2024-02-05 13:27
@oddtail this is such a powerful message!
-
@ljwrites@rage.love 2024-02-05 14:01
Can confirm from the cis side that what @oddtail says about cis people is true. Like I don't even have strong genderfeels as a cis woman, nor am I super femme, but I would never ever willingly transition. Can't speak for all cis people obviously and there are outliers and exceptions in every group, such as heavy trauma from misogyny leading to a cis girl wanting to be a man--the detransitioners terfs love to use for scaremongering, but the truth is most who detransition aren't cis but rather nonbinary. However, it is by far not the definitive experience of a cis person to want to transition or be indifferent about transition, we will fucking fight the idea that we are anything but our assigned gender. If that doesn't describe you then it's definitely worthwhile to explore, at your own pace and chosen intensity, what might be up with that.
-
@Sapphire_PaperCactus@mastodon.gamedev.place 2024-02-10 10:23
@oddtail follow up with a "I feel this" I barely felt dysphoria during the time I was working my butt off. Late shifts and taking every extra I could. I was absolutely exhausted. Then I got to normal times and dysphoria started creeping in again. Important to note that working butt off was not healthy either. That resulted in a mental breakdown.
-
@Miritamoku@tech.lgbt 2024-03-03 21:12
@oddtail oh thanks for that, im currently trans i also had that moments where i thought "am i really trans?", plus i've been recently thinking what if im actually genderfluid or bigender, so i still got a lot to find out
-
@arielwip@lgbtqia.space 2024-03-12 18:57
@oddtail I wrote myself a Google form that I fill in every day to track how I'm feeling. Then I can look back on it and realise that *every single day* I say yes to hitting that button (the button question) but also I can look at the graphs and see who I am *on average*. But importantly, there are days when I was tired, burnt out, overwhelmed, felt null, and gave up. These are all selectable, because I wanted to spot any patterns in why I end up feeling like that. Anyway... It's been great and I recommend this approach if you want some grounding in your own experience.
-
@rachel@transitory.social 2024-01-19 01:27
@oddtail@meow.social I feel this in my bones, just so tired at the moment...