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• Post #4414405

  Hauf an hour later, the washins oot an ther wir huvin a cuppa when ah sais tae thaim "See me, see they wafer biscuits, ah dinnae like they wans" "What kind of biscuits do you like then?" Ask they "The kind you've goat in yer bag" Reply I "Tough" Say they So it's like that is it? 😁😁

• Post #4411326

  Ma mucker bought an auld tractor a while back thit wis disguised as a pile ae rusty metal. Well, he's nearly feenished it noo, an see if he gits it tae move, it cuid weel win a prize at the coo show! The transformation is quite astonishin sir, outstandin. So whit button dae ah push here? 😁😁 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R3Igz5SfBCE

• Post #4355560

  @alexadeswift@lgbtqia.space ooooft, jings, naw! That muck is feckin rank 🤮😳😁 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TBRCZLzn5pM

• Post #4273989

  Oh whit! Noo that ther is wan feckin huge soordough loaf ae breid! Ah hink it's time fur anorrer wee hauns in the err moment here Mr B, no hink? Ah wonner if he's playin the Embra festival this year? Ah cuid take him oor a loaf ae ma soordough breid, it goes weel wae a cuppa tea. But no in the middle ae the night though, he shuid dae mair efternin shows if he wants scones wae his tea 😁😁 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xT2iP5Si-Ho

• Post #4273988

  So how wis your efternin en? Well, as usual, it jist rhymed along in a cinna sing song cinna wey: Mr Strange bought a new lawnmower So he gied it plenty choke Five minutes later, whit he hud ther Wis a lawnmower thit wis broke Ah see whit you huv done, Strange Yiv buggered up the mix So if ye gie, that machine tae me Yer lawnmower ah cin fix But naw he widnae wer this An he stormed back doon the store Where they telt him he hud flooded it An no tae dae this ony more. See, ah telt ye 😁😁

• Post #4273987

  We hud a bitty sunshine An noo wir back tae rain But wan hing never chainges Wiv nae internet again It clicks aff in the mornin It turns aff every night Thers wan hing thits fur defo Wir internet is shite Ye try tae purchase items Fae countries far away Well, this is quite impossible If yiv nae internet theday Ah'm no really borrered Ah still write ma garbage doon It saves me huvin tae spraff mince Tae the fowks aroon the toon Appose this makes thaim happy annaw 🤔😁😁

• Post #4273986

  Haw! Ther sumbdy far far away, across oan the orrer hill, flyin a big plain yella fleg oot in ther gairden! Pardon ma ignorance, but dis that no mean thit yir diseased? Mibbes they jist want a wee bitty peace an quiet, whae knows? But if this isnae the case, it wis nice ae thaim tae lit the rest ae us know thit ther no weel wae sumhin highly contagious! 🤔😳😁 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yellow_Jack_(flag)

• Post #4273985

  The doc sais, you urny weel san Ah hink ye might huv this Ah said ah didnae want that wan Ah'll jist gie that a miss Whit aboot this wan here en? It's really rether rare Ah huv awready goat that wan An ah don't want it ony mair The doc sais ah'm complicated So he wants tae dae mair tests Naw, jist furget invasive biopsies Why no gie yer tests a rest? Every time we git a new guy They want tae cut an slice Me masel is no sae keen Cause they operations urny nice...

• Post #4273984

  "Do you want a banana?" Enquire they ae I Naw, no hanks, dae you want tae hear a song aboot a banana? "No, no thanks" Reply they https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yModCU1OVHY

• Post #4273983

  Ah hud a tattie masher But it is nae longer ther So ah pondered oan it's wheraboots An wonnert wher o wher? En ah fun the tattie masher It wis ootside oan the ster So en ah sat an pondered How the fuck did that git ther? Yer daein too much ponderin Thought I masel tae me Yiv fun the tattie masher Noo git oan wae the tea Ah know ye fun the masher But afore ye mash tat-tees You wull huv tae wash it furst Cause it wull be durt-ees Why? Cause it wis lyin oot oan the steps ya feckin radge...

• Post #4273982

  Why huv a goat the bakin trays oot? Fockackaya, that's why, it's whit ah'm makin. An naw, it's no a big pizza. Whit um ah pittin oan ma Fockackaya? Ah dunno yit, probably pizza toppin, how? It still disnae make it a big pizza. 🤔😁😁

• Post #4239622

  @alexadeswift@lgbtqia.space Whit? CalMac ur owned by us, the people ae Scotland, an unlike the reports ye mibbes hear fae yer Westminster Media, oor boats average 95% efficiancy. Dinnae listen tae everyhin ye hear oan the telly ur read in Inglis so caed 'Newspapers' the boats run mighty fine, but they ur liable tae disruption noo an again due tae wir unreliable Scottish werrer! 🤔😳😁

• Post #4238762

  Breaking: We goat carrots! Ah kid you not. An ther fresh, locally grown, Scottish carrots tae! No they foustie Inglis hings thit huv rotted tae mush in ther wee plastic bags thit the store seems tae hink ur a substitite fur actual carrots. But know whit? Ah never saw yer main stream media reportin ony ae this. Why? Cause thers nae CalMac ferries involved, that's why! 🤔😳😁😁

• Post #4087105

  "Look at this old Boglin Dad, was this my one? Look it's starting to turn to mush" Sais wir Jnr fella Ay, ah know, so cin we throw it oot noo en? "No" Reply they "You can't get them anymore" Ay, that wull because ther aw that auld thit ther rubbery, foamy ur whitever substance ther bodies wir made fae, hus long ago turnt tae mush! An byrawey, whit ur ye daein in that cupboard? Ah jist feckin tidied the place oot tae, Jingszo! 🙄😁😁

• Post #4030271

  Never mind thit thers nae carrots An ah want tae make this clear The only hing the store noo stocks Is tins ae ale an lager beer They say ther is nae shortage But ah score aff ma shoppin list An the only hing thit ah cin git Is slimy ham an rat ersed pished They huvny nae tomaties An they huvny ony yeast Ah did git a wee tumshie That's a vegetable at least Dinnae mention climate chainge An dinnae mention Brexit youse The reason thers a shortage, is It's aw stuck oot in Hormuz Bullshi...

• Post #4009371

  Ah see thit Burnthaim fae the corporates Westminster Wan Perty is plannin oan flingin mair shite in the Thames. Anal Sairwans tae, ooooft! They jist canny seem tae git enough shite doon ther! Huv they no goat enough shite ae ther ain? But it jist shows ye wher a haunshake an a couple ae quid gits ye these days, he bought himsel intae the Stauners Subservient Jock Joab up here annaw. Fuckim, he wis toast onywey. Fuckem aw fur that metter.. Onwards..Heeeucht! 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿

• Post #3984029

  The fruit shoap hus nae carrots An we need carrots fur the tea Ah dinnae git these oot the store Cause thers ur aw foustie Ah mibbes git a tumshie The flavours much the same An ah goat some nice new tatties But ah'll huv tae humph these hame Ah goat a big four pints ae milk An picked up flooer tae An noo ah'm sterrin up the hill It's luikin a long way Bugger! It gits steeper every feckin day that hill 😳😁😁

• Post #3909633

  Ther ah'm sittin oot the back when Mr The Dug lits oot a whimper, an sure enough ther wan ae wir new bambi's, brave as ye like, munchin away oan the Dandelions, no gien an actual. Well, ah hud ma tablet wae me, so ah turnt oan the zoom tae git a picture, an ther the wee hing sterrin right back at me oan full screen, real creepy like. But as soon as ah clicked the photie button, the fecker vanished quicker thin wan ae Trumps UFO's. They beasties know! Ah goat a crackin photie ae a blu...

• Post #3888608

  The orrer week ther, ah stoated intae a boozer in the center ae Glesga, an the bonnie wee lassie ahint the bar sais "Ah'm no servin ye" How? "Cause ah know ye" Replied they See, this is whit happens when yer Granwean takes a holiday joab wher they git tae haud a wee bitty authority, an they didnae even sell Scottish Blend tea either. Whit cinna cocktail bar is that yer wurkin in? Well, know whit? Wiv nae posh veggie burgers hen, but wiv goat aw the ingredients, here,...

• Post #3861845

  Guid mornin, it's gaunny be hoat again, whit wis that? Ah never mentioned 1966. Naw, wiv goat milk, whit wis that? Like ah said, ah never mentioned 1966. Ah'm jist away oot fur a wee dauner afore it heats up, an ay, ah know, dinnae mention 1966. Dinnae worry, it widnae cross ma mind tae mention 1966, whit wid a want tae mention 1966 fur? 😁😁

• Post #3855224

  Ah stuck a soordough sterter oan yesterday an it's bubblin away awready. Ah've no seen wan stert up sae quick since that really hoat summer we hud back in 1966. "Was that not 1976?" Ask they Ay, ye cuid be right ther, mibbes it wis. "You are gloating" Say they Um ah, an whit gies ye that idea? "The massive grin on your face" Reply they Whit, hus grinnin bin proscribed annaw noo? Ah'm jist smilin cause it's a nice day like that wan the telly is...

• Post #3830497

  Right, so whers ma feckin ice cube tray away tae noo? Thers only a wee toaty wan in the freezer! Sum basarts swapt thaim roon. Is ther nuhin sacred in this hoose? Well, ah'm cawin fur a public enquiry oan this metter, cause ye jist canny huv fresh orange an tonic wae oot ice. I wull tell you this, the shitty stick is comin oot that cupboard very shortly. Consider yersels warnt. Nae wonner ah swer 😁😁

• Post #3827056

  Dinnae talk tae me aboot yeast. Furst it came in wee tins, en it wis 8 wee sachets, en it went doon tae 6 wee sachets. Noo 2 wee sachets ur priced up as a feckin luxury product. So ah didnae borrer gittin it, cause ah've goat a jar ae soordough sterter in the fridge. Ur so a thought, whae threw that oot? Well, that wull be me away tae dae ma second lap ae the toon this mornin, a luxury product is required. Dinnae talk tae me aboot breid. Ah mibbes swer 😁😁

• Post #3808297

  It's International Rescue time ae year, an sure enough Thunderburds Ur Go this mornin, ther this wee dug oot the back, barkin away. So the usual protocol fur such instances is tae phone the store an git thaim tae make an announcement, but this wee fella hus a phone nummer oan his collar. Ring ring..Ur ye missin a wee dug? An this voice fae the orrer side ae the hedge in the overgrown widland shouts ..Ay, how dae ah git oot ae here? No that wey. Thunderburd Wan wull be required efter aw!...

• Post #3780268

  Ther this boy clad in nuhin mair thin a per ae trainers an Booby Moore's 1966 fitba shorts, joggin up taewards the parks at the crack ae dawn this mornin. So he stoaps tae ask if he wis gaun the right wey. Well ah sais "Ay, yer gaun the right wey, but shoorlies yer no gaun up ther dressed like that ur ye, huv ye no goat ony orrer claithes wae ye?" "Whit fur? It's a nice mornin" Replies yer man "Predation" Sais I "Ye'll git eaten alive oot ther sa...

• Post #3759956

  "What are you making?" Ask they "It smells really good" Dis it? Well, whit ah'm makin is chick pea burgers an lentil burgers thit smell ae nuhin an taste like toast, jist fur thaim thit claim tae prefer such scran. Whit yer smellin is the doggy bag sumbdy brought hame fae the Indian last night. "So what are we having for tea then?" Ask they Ah'll gie ye three guesses. "Not mince?" Say they Och naw. We're huvin the doggy bag fae the Indian...

• Post #3714171

  The UFO's flew aw oor America They made nae sound an they never hud wings An politicians said "Ther ur yer aliens" The people said "Ther satellites by jings" En a big wan jist hovered fur ages An the people said "Oooft, feckin ell!" That's no a cartoon ur a werrer balloon It's a drone made fae light aerogel But politicians said "Ther ur yer aliens Youse cin see aw ther spaceships fur miles" An the people hud only wan question Whaes hidin aw t...

• Post #3712132

  Here lies Doris Karloff A nasty piece ae shit She wis only in it fur hersel An took whitever she cuid git Byeeee... Next please..

• Post #3712001

  A lorry driver, a forklift driver an a gress strimmer operator walked intae a bar. An the cleaner said "Wir no open yit, it's only six o'clock in the mornin ya shower ae noisy basarts" Sound travels..Guid mornin 🙄😁😁

• Post #3691747

  "Are you having a party at the weekend?" Enquire they Whit cinna perty, a scone an biscuit type ae bash? "No, a proper party" Say they Whit fur? "It's your anniversary" Reply thaim Wher did ye glean this info fae? Yiv never mindet afore. Well as far as ah'm aware, thers nae perty oan the cairds fur this weekend. Next hing they stert chantin: 'No party no anni No party no anni' Ah take it the weans ur plannin a revelrous soiree. Wait tae they g...