Post #2004423

2026-05-05 06:34 UTC

Why is it so difficult for autistic people to find friends and partners? I read some post about this during the last days and here are my thoughts on the topic. The short answer is that it not because there’s something wrong with us. It’s because we are a minority group, we are very different from each other and have limited options to find each other. These factors are strongly intertwined. Yes, we are not perfect, unresolved trauma, masking and internalized ableism play a role and we all have to work on it. But at a certain point we cannot do this work on our own, we need other people to practice what we learned, to create new data for our nervous system and if we do not have these people, we are trapped in a vicious circle of burnout and loneliness. This brings me to the second point, our limited options. Many of the autistic people around my age (I am in my 40s) who are similar to me, are probably also in a similar situation. They are either trapped in poverty or a relationship they don’t want to be in. They do not live, where they want to live, they are not able to travel or even leave the house for longer than an hour. Many of them don´t even know that they are autistic. So, there are limited options to meet each other. I go outside with Beagle Lumi every day, but in my conservative neighborhood, I won’t find my people. I can get along with them, but they are not my people. And online? Dating apps are overwhelming asf and the autistic people similar to me will think that too, so I won’t find my people there. Realistically, I have the best chances to find my people here on Mastodon. But most of us have rejection sensitivity and are so burnt out, that reaching out to a new person is not an easy thing. We do not have the energy for it. Then there are our differences. We experience the world intensively, we didn’t go to an autistic kindergarten, nobody explained to us how to cope with this world. As a consequence, we are not only very different concerning our needs and special interests, but we are also very different in our coping strategies. During the last years I had several chats, friendships, even intimate relationships with other AuDHD people online. Most of them were not suitable for a long-term relationship, because of our differences or difficult circumstances and that’s ok. But they were enriching my life, they made me grow, they were inspiring and validating. Realizing that you are not a good fit can be hurtful and frustrating, getting to know new people takes a lot of energy and we are already low on energy. But it’s amazing how much energy connecting with another AuDHD person can give you, it made me and the people I connected with feel decades younger and so happy. I found the best friend one could wish for here on Mastodon. So, I will continue to write these posts, encouraging people to chat with me and I do not feel ashamed for it. I am done with feeling shame for having to deal with being a multiply marginalized person in unconventional ways. #ActuallyAutistic #AuDHD #neurodivergent @autistics@fedigroups.social

Replies (13)

@joshsummer@mastodon.top 2026-05-05 14:09

@KaCi@autistics.life @Anna@burnout.cafe @autistics@fedigroups.social 🤗🤗🤗

Open ##2020319
@roknrol@beige.party 2026-05-05 06:51

@KaCi Is there a happy medium somewhere with the security of Signal but the open accessibilty of Masto? @autistics

Open ##2031078
@MJmusicinears@mastodon.world 2026-05-05 07:13

@KaCi @autistics my dear, my nephew deals with what you sound like with meeting someone and not living where he wants too. Scotty is a hard worker and a great person always willing to hug and smile despite. My cousin had that when we were kids only then they said he had " emotional troubles" he was like Rain man in many ways. Hang in there sweetie

Open ##2031088
@punishmenthurts@autistics.life 2026-05-05 07:31

@KaCi @autistics . the majority sort are hypersocial and find it impossible not to friend up into pairs or groups, we’re not made for it, or at least we have a choice about it 💜

Open ##2031090
@valentine@flickering.style 2026-05-05 10:29

@KaCi @autistics Thank you for writing this. It's so true and so relatable. 💜

Open ##2031091
@iridella@neurodifferent.me 2026-05-05 11:31

@KaCi @autistics I agree that it helps a lot to meet and talk with other autistics. I have a little group who meet up regularly, all late diagnosed women, and it gives so much confidence to be with people who get you and share similar experiences! Here it's also good, but posting on mastodon feels like talking to myself hoping that someone will listen, which sometimes happens, but in most cases it still feels lonely, maybe because I don't have a specific topic I want to talk about and hashtags don't really help.

Open ##2031117
@LivingCode@chaos.social 2026-05-05 13:12

@KaCi @autistics Our pool is very small. I am 40 myself and it took me years to realize that i can only have autistic/audhd friends. It just don't works with other people at all. Same works with relationships. If we have a similiar Topic to monofocus on, its a deal. Everything else just ends in me Maskind extremly hard to be accepted and failing. In the past i thought i just have to play pretend to work better with other people which leads to not working at all.

Open ##2031119
@eruonna@chaosfem.tw 2026-05-05 13:36

@KaCi @autistics I really struggle with approaching people. When people have approached me, it generally goes well. But even when I muster up the courage to reach out to someone else, they just don't respond in a way that lets me believe they are interested in connecting. So I can put a lot of effort into people who don't seem inclined to reciprocate, or I can have nothing.

Open ##2031122
@joshsusser@autistics.life 2026-05-05 16:17

@KaCi Speaking to your opening question, I think part of it is how we have grown up in NT-land and learned their ways, and so we have a default NT perspective on relationships, and that doesn't really work for us. You know how the Double Empathy Problem works, well, I think that two autistics who are still figuring things out are interacting by default NT social rules, so each is masking to perform the right signals for an NT relationship, and so is the other person. It's like two native English speakers trying to talk in French after they took one year of high school French class. Or like two gay people trying to date using straight dating rules. Neither person can ever relax and be themselves, and that's a poor foundation for a relationship. You mentioned feeling a good connection with other AuDHD folk and I think that's a good sign. All my best friendships and relationships have been with other ND folk, even though I was unaware of my neurodivergence back then. My problem was I had no clue I was ND so I didn't understand I was working with a different toolset and goals than pop culture educated me to believe was how every relationship should work. But I did manage to find some cool ND friends along the way and some of those lasted a long time but none of them knew they were ND either so it was fucking hell to have a big disagreement and not know why we were fighting about something. Still, it beats hanging out with allistic folk who are really just putting up with me.

Open ##2031132
@DziadekMick@mstdn.social 2026-05-05 16:42

@KaCi The defining feature of autism's effect on my life is an absence of good friends. I don't have what it takes to maintain my side of a relationship and friends drift away. I've never been able to show that I care about them. To them, it appears I won't make the effort. That said, a friend from college looked me up after 25 years and we picked up where we left off. He had read me and understood my difficulties. And I have made good friends in AA, people who are as broken as me. @autistics

Open ##2031133
@adelinej@piaille.fr 2026-05-05 19:21

@KaCi Difficult to find and *to keep. 😊

Open ##2035951
@MostlyTato@mstdn.social 2026-05-07 06:34

@KaCi @autistics Very expressive and eloquent post.

Open ##2155953
@GinevraCat@toot.community 2026-05-07 06:48

@KaCi @MostlyTato @autistics I do think it depends a LOT on the environment you end up in. In academia I fitted in fine, and almost all of my best friends I met at university, or while teaching. One particular group told me their thought process when meeting me was..."She's weird, but mostly in a good way. We'll keep her." 😂 But I am 'lucky' in that I have had many, many hours of therapy, and grew up with a very extroverted dad who made friends very easily, so I had an example to follow.

Open ##2155955