Post #1872517
2026-05-02 04:58 UTC
Replies (14)
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@dscw@tech.lgbt 2026-05-02 05:05
@aizuchi boosting because I have the same question
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@inherentlee@flipping.rocks 2026-05-02 05:16
@aizuchi one thing I do is i say no to something that is unimportant early on and watch how they respond
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@h3mmy@lgbtqia.space 2026-05-02 05:26
@aizuchi I don't really "date" anyone, but I do kink scenes, and vet folks in that context a lot. As I understand it "dating" doesn't have the structure around discussing boundaries and expectations clearly which probably isn't helpful. Ok, let's say I'm at an event, and I'm available for pickup play. Some guy approaches. First pass check is the gut check. Anything about the vibe that is off? Is something in my body ringing alarm bells, raising flags or sending smoke signals? If not, proceed. Chat, gauge body language, word choices, tone, etc. look around to see if there are any peers that can signal more information. Like maybe who they came with or how they're connected to the event, etc. Since I'm usually at vetted events I know there is already a layer of screening that has occurred. If they seem safe so far, and they've expressed interest in being tied up, I proceed with my speed negotiation. Obviously, the structured environment makes it very easy to feel out different things and shift gears quickly. I also hear a _lot_ of gossip about different men in the scene because it's part of normal chatter amongst the femmes and pretty useful information about which ones have which faults and which ones to seek out for different reasons. Idk what to call this safety factor. Peer review? The buzz? The better tea party? It might help to know how you meet men for dating purposes, because advice on how to vet them will vary on that information I think.
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@Klara@drupal.community 2026-05-02 07:26
@aizuchi See how they approach those that serve versus those with power. Are they ableist, racist? Do they behave very differently to women they are attracted to versus those they are not? Do they have a problem with family? Anything that shows where they are on the "caring about all people versus caring about themselves" scale can give a clue if they could truly care about you, or if they see you as what they need for themselves only.
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@Li@tech.lgbt 2026-05-02 07:48
@aizuchi hm, weren't ppl watching the barbie movie together for this exact purpose awhile back :?
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@30to40olives@ohai.social 2026-05-02 10:14
@aizuchi We've dated a couple men! Our approach is to befriend them first. I'm not sure if that works if you're not demi.
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@Bumblefish@mastodon.scot 2026-05-02 10:39
@aizuchi I mean I am just not interested in most of them. And the ones I *am* interested in are either bad news bears or very definitely only attracted to manly men, so basically if I feel any attraction at all I nope right outta there.
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@JosjeT@mastodon.social 2026-05-02 12:12
@aizuchi I bever dated in my life I get tot know man as people
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@maikel@vmst.io 2026-05-02 12:15
@aizuchi that's easy, I avoid dating myself.
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@bjb@fosstodon.org 2026-05-02 13:35
@aizuchi As a young teen, I made some rules for myself. One was, if a guy shows violent tendencies (hits me even once for example) then I would break off the relationship. No changing my mind no matter what he says. One strike, he's out. Also by nature I do not join relationships with manipulative people so probably I have avoided some violent partners that way. Stick to meeting people at home (if you have housemates) or in public places in the early stages of the relationship.
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@jadedtwin@corteximplant.com 2026-05-02 14:28
@aizuchi before I met my nonbinary husband, I dated a few men and I treated all of them like they might be murderers. I managed to dodge a few bullets acting like that. Always meet in public. Preferably day time. Told my friends where I was and when to expect me back and to call me if I was late even by a minute. I always keep a knife or some kind of defensive device on me at all times. Even when I'm "not allowed to" (the law takes a backseat to my life and safety). I watched very closely how much they were drinking when we had alcoholic drinks (almost all were very obviously trying to drink less than me and would constantly ask if I wanted more even if mine was half full still). If they get up to use the bathroom a lot, like more than expected, run. I kept my personal life vague till I thought they weren't gonna SA me. One dude even tried to convince me to quit school and join a commune with him on the first date (after lying to me about his height. Which I genuinely don't care about a guy's height, I care if they lie). I called it off then and there. He threw a tantrum and called me a whore. Almost all of them tried to use me like a bucket list when they found out I'm trans. Huge red flag and I ghosted them. Basically, a man has to prove to me first that he's safe to be around before I even consider talking to them longer than 5 seconds let alone date one.
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@masukomi@connectified.com 2026-05-02 16:17
@aizuchi I don't, but if I did I'd probably limit myself to trans men. I feel like that simple filter would weed out the vast majority of the evil.
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@Dave3307@beige.party 2026-05-02 16:50
@aizuchi I do not date men but a few years ago I saw a comedian say she only dates guys with TSA Pre, because then you know they’ve passed at least a cursory background check. I’ve shared this with my daughter several times
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@elnecesario@mastodon.social 2026-05-02 21:13
@aizuchi I asked my wife for you, here are her red flags: 🚩 he treats people differently according to their “class” 🚩 he brings up his ex and talks bad about her 🚩 he treats women differently, when he is not interested in them 🚩 he reacts offended when you say no 🚩 he immediately love-bombs you