SICK CUNT DRACONES

i have nothing to declare but my penius

i'm gonna be the first person on earth that everybody likes

if i got a job as a horse i would expense a carrot

i’ve been complaining for many years now (“yeah we know” shut up) about the declining general availability of candy floss (even the bagged stuff, never MIND fresh) even in its traditional settings (fairs, seasides, theme parks etc) so imagine the faces/noises i made yesterday when a guy who runs a kids’ party venue on our high street brought his own machine to the local street fair yesterday along with ELEVEN FLAVOURS OF SPINNING SUGAR

i guess cat birth control is one of those things you only learn about when it becomes directly relevant to your life

im so angry i'm so angry and there is nothing to be done with it. any rebellious way i could act out in response will not help because in the end, while people like me will doubtless be caught in the crossfire, the people they're really trying to hurt are our sisters. i can throw a tantrum but it does not help them

british garden birds are gay

woke up laughing from another dream... i imagined this advert for John Deere tractors, which was shot like an advert for an expensive car, a model-handsome man in a straw farmer's hat at the wheel of a shiny red tractor, pulling a haystack in a trailer, cruising around the winding roads in the italian mountains. lots of those panning shots taken by a drone. the part that woke me up was the accompanying song - a contemplative, strummy guitar waltz in the james blunt style, and the lyrics went:

just awoke suddenly from a dream in which they invented the walking avocado as a replacement for the horse. the sheer amount of column inches devoted to discussing the supposed energy efficiency savings was insane

hakuna whatever i don’t believe a lion got that big from eating bugs

i wish i was a little bit wider… i wish i was a SPIDER

oh so the BODY is the one keeping the score. then i’m sure it’s just a big coincidence that i keep losing to it 😒

everyone giving advice about candles in general needs to RE READ MY ORIGINAL POST: i want to know how many SCENTED candles i can eat before it becomes a medical problem. to those asking which flavour: NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS

heres an april fool for you: fuck off