AWS Service Announcements

Today, we're proud to unveil AWS Crabcake AWS Crabcake is a fully managed lateral-movement compute substrate that provisions workloads across multiple availability zones using proprietary sideways-scaling architecture, automatically redistributing traffic in unexpected directions when you least expect it. Unlike traditional services that scale vertically or horizontally, Crabcake scales diagonally into adjacent AWS accounts, which your billing team will discover during the monthly reconciliation process; data transfer between shells is charged at $0.09 per GB, and cross-account diagonal egress is billed per pinch with a minimum of 10,000 pinches per request. The Free Tier includes one crabcake per month, which is enough to complete the getting started tutorial but not the second step of the getting started tutorial. #aws #AmazonWebServices #CloudComputing #cloud #parody #humor

We're proud to present AWS Sandstorm AWS Sandstorm is a fully managed visibility reduction service that automatically distributes fine-grained particulate across your environment, ensuring that no single engineer can see the full architecture at any one time. Sandstorm integrates natively with IAM, where permissions are evaluated per grain, and with CloudWatch, which will alert you after the sand has already reached your eyes. Sandstorm is free for the first 10,000 grains per month, after which you are billed $0.0003 per grain across six grain tiers, with data transfer charges applied when sand moves between Availability Zones, and a separate Dune Assembly Fee for workloads that consolidate more than 40 grains into a recognizable shape without purchasing a Savings Plan. #aws #AmazonWebServices #CloudComputing #cloud #parody #humor

We're proud to present AWS Parallel Transformation Sunglare AWS Parallel Transformation Sunglare is a fully managed glare-distribution service that applies focused light pressure across up to 16 parallel transformation pipelines, temporarily blinding your team to the complexity of the underlying IAM policy structure required to invoke it. Sunglare automatically intensifies during peak hours in us-east-1, with regional availability in other regions dependent on re:Invent announcements that have not yet occurred. Glare-hours are billed at $0.0043 per lumen-equivalent after the first 200 lumen-equivalents per month, which are free, though each pipeline initialization emits 847 lumen-equivalents. #aws #AmazonWebServices #CloudComputing #cloud #parody #humor

We're happy to facilitate you with Amazon Caliper

Amazon Caliper: Precisely measures your cloud resources down to the nanometer. Uses quantum sensors to detect unused CPU cycles and automatically resizes instances by 0.00001%. Charges per measurement in femtodollars.

#aws #AmazonWebServices #CloudComputing #cloud #satire #humor