Posts
@fartographer@lemmy.world
in
onehundredninetysix
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12h ago
Like, how did Mohammed Ali get beat by Joe Frazier. Didn’t he know about sticks?
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@fartographer@lemmy.world
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3d ago
Shh. Not a- oh... Right. The joke...
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@fartographer@lemmy.world
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4d ago
Remember that time that God told Moses to strike the rock so that the people could drink water. Later, Moses struck the rock again without instruction from God, and God was all like, “oh, that’s cool. I’m a super-chill and reasonable being; you don’t gotta ask me for permission to end your own suffering.”
Oh wait, I’m misremembering what God said. I believe it was actually something along the lines of, “I’ll fucking kill you, Moses. I’m gonna make you slave and toil to bring these people, who I’ve expressed nothing but hated for, to the land that you’ve dreamt of seeing, and then I’m gonna fucking kill you right before you get to see it. You know what, motherfucker? Write that shit down. You’re gonna write a fucking book about how powerful I am compared to you little shits, and you’re gonna write about your little fuck-up, and how I’ll fucking kill you. I decide when the suffering ends!“
So, yeah. Let’s assume that so these pious assholes and their moody invisible friend are right/real. What part of their book has ever indicated that God wants them accelerating his plans?
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@fartographer@lemmy.world
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5d ago
Live your best life. git pull blindly.
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@fartographer@lemmy.world
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6d ago
I'm starting to think Mikey hasn't been alive all the times after the first time he died from whatever we fed him. Yeah, see? Here's that dead rat we found next to the rat poison two weeks ago. He didn't even chew it.
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@fartographer@lemmy.world
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Apr 11, 2026
Hey Mikey! He's dead!
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@fartographer@lemmy.world
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Apr 11, 2026
I died every day for the past 30 some-odd years, until woke cancelled my deaths! People were just built stronger back then! Every night, after being an alpha mega-male, I'd force myself into a cocoon of dead organic matter encased in synthetic materials, and then wait to die, and then go to Hell. The next day, I'd come back to life, as though nothing even happened. Lots of us ended and restarted our lives just like this!
Don't get me wrong, *some* people didn't make it. There was a series of documentaries about some of those unlucky few. Most of them, coincidentally, had run-ins with a burn victim who was fond of knives and children. Sadly, that guy who looked like a young Jack Sparrow was an early victim night-death unreturning.
But now, ever since DEI ruined science, everyone keeps trying to tell me that I actually never died! They keep accusing me of being woke, too! I'm not woke! I'm not "open-minded!" In fact, I'm dense as fuck, like a *real* man!
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@fartographer@lemmy.world
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Apr 08, 2026
How do you think Zyrtec works?
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@fartographer@lemmy.world
in
climate
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Apr 08, 2026
Yeah, when they happen, and above a certain threshold.
The problem is that the “when” is becoming far more common and the baseline is rising ever closer to that “certain threshold.”
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@fartographer@lemmy.world
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Apr 08, 2026
Such a good title that you jacked it
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@fartographer@lemmy.world
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Apr 07, 2026
Cranial Brain Thinking
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@fartographer@lemmy.world
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Apr 05, 2026
I knew people who started a "countdown until we can look at porn of them." I didn't understand that at all. I think it's reasonable to assume that they're not waiting until 00:01 on their birthday to snap some nudes and then slowly wait for them to load to the Internet. Which means anything you're looking at is either underaged or fake with underaged faces; both of which do not contain the proper consent to be okay.
But the strangest of all was how many of these people said that the Olsen twins weren't all that hot. So, I'd ask why this was worth all the effort. They said because they'd get to see Michelle naked. I had some serious unresolved sexual issues at that age, but that answer always irked me. It felt like those dads who get all pervy about their daughters turning "legal", or brothers about their sisters.
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@fartographer@lemmy.world
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Apr 04, 2026
I bet your comment said something, so I upvoted it
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@fartographer@lemmy.world
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Apr 04, 2026
I chuckled. If I heard that in a club, I'd probably chuckle and then feel bad for both of us.
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@fartographer@lemmy.world
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lemmyshitpost
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Mar 31, 2026
Whatever they’re saying, I’m blasting it from my rectal loudspeaker.
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@fartographer@lemmy.world
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Mar 27, 2026
Rao’s might be among the pricier sauces in the US?
It is. It’s a high-quality sauce made by a very famous restaurant in New York City. It’s one of those few products that immediately stands out when someone tries a blind taste test on you.
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@fartographer@lemmy.world
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Mar 23, 2026
I saw Savages in the theater, and I'm uncomfortable that this thin line is the only preventing me from watching it again
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@fartographer@lemmy.world
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Mar 23, 2026
The Purge has begun and I am dead-set on my mission.
Puts dark tint on car windows
Now for the final step…
Backs out of driveway and straight into a telephone pole because the tint was too dark
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@fartographer@lemmy.world
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lemmyshitpost
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Mar 23, 2026
This flight is already going to smell awful, but I’d imagine that 2, 9, & 10 will have the strongest smells.
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@fartographer@lemmy.world
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lemmyshitpost
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Mar 23, 2026
Yes, but who do you think crochets all that meat into a chicken shape?
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@fartographer@lemmy.world
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lemmyshitpost
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Mar 23, 2026
No, it’s dried beef. And most canned brines are made from water with salt and spices, not urine.
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@fartographer@lemmy.world
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lemmyshitpost
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Mar 22, 2026
I just see four people who are going to be very sticky, smelly, and sad later.
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@fartographer@lemmy.world
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lemmyshitpost
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Mar 22, 2026
Unfortunately, that one is already reserved for Budd Dwyer. The years of corruption and cover-up are now a daily occurrence, and his ultimate public apology and suicide showed a level shame and empathy that you couldn’t find in these days.
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@fartographer@lemmy.world
in
programmer_humor
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Mar 10, 2026
Cryptozoology? I KNEW IT WAS GONNA BE FUCKING BIGFOOT!!!
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@fartographer@lemmy.world
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programmer_humor
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Mar 10, 2026
“Solamente aquí para ‘mist’ el tiempo.”
- Misters of time
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@fartographer@lemmy.world
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programmer_humor
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Mar 05, 2026
Not if I launch them first! Where’s the 9v battery for the rocket engine igniter?
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@fartographer@lemmy.world
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Mar 03, 2026
Nah, already got banned from life. Try banning from death, let's see what fresh new horror we raise.
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@fartographer@lemmy.world
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lemmyshitpost
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Mar 01, 2026
Learn women’s perspectives
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@fartographer@lemmy.world
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technology
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Feb 26, 2026
I mean, we could burn both of them
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@fartographer@lemmy.world
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technology
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Feb 25, 2026
And instead of charging them, you can drink them! Unlike Lithium Ion batteries, which you have to chew.
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@fartographer@lemmy.world
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Feb 24, 2026
Meow. Mrow. FEED ME TO STRAY ATM.
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@fartographer@lemmy.world
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Feb 15, 2026
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@fartographer@lemmy.world
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Feb 03, 2026
I’m impressed how my oldest sister listened to me throughout my life, learned from my suicide attempts, and identified symptoms and behaviors that my parents overlooked. One of her sons is so astoundingly similar to me, and watching how she supports and advocates for him is incredible.
Just the way that she sits him down and explains that not knowing that something is a bad choice doesn’t make us bad people as long as we try to do better, or helps him understand his value and her love for him is all enough to make me cry. I’m glad that I survived to see all of this.
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@fartographer@lemmy.world
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Feb 03, 2026
“Man the queer out of me” is eerily similar to what my dorm-mate said when his homophobic roommate told him to “man up and cut the fot shit.”
I nearly died laughing when my dorm-mate responded, “oh yeah? You gonna use your manly powers to fuck the fot out of me?”
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@fartographer@lemmy.world
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Jan 23, 2026
You can't tell them what to do! Submit a PR, if you've already figured it out
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@fartographer@lemmy.world
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Jan 23, 2026
I'm working on a major website migration right now, and was literally hashing things out with timestamps yesterday. If I had to deal with encountering a 24th/no 0th-hour bug, I'd call up the old dev and ask them how they avoid shitting on their loved ones while being such a giant asshole. Make me fucking convert the hours to a number so that I can subtract by one, and then convert it back to a timestamp. I know it's a simple solution, but I would have definitely first wasted hours trying to figure out why and which of my 50,000 posts was causing my migration to fail.
Point being, what you call a cosmetic error could singularly fuel my nightmares for a month. Shame on the maintainer for acting so indignant over what I now consider the kindest bug report of all time. I'm so grateful that users like you exist.
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@fartographer@lemmy.world
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Jan 22, 2026
Mine had issues with tires getting slashed, and items stolen in lots that were patrolled by campus police, who couldn't catch the criminal. When the city police got involved, they found out it was the campus police.
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@fartographer@lemmy.world
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Jan 19, 2026
Did you know that it's impossible to choke him out? His neck is just too strong. He can't be choked out, not by any puny wrestler, stunt man, nobody can choke out- hey, what smells like shit?
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@fartographer@lemmy.world
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Jan 14, 2026
This is the first time that one of your comments made me physically gag and dry-heave. I feel delighted to finally join the club of people who have felt disgusted by your heinous humor.
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@fartographer@lemmy.world
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Jan 12, 2026
My dad is dead, so zombie fan-fic fans can have a little treat
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@fartographer@lemmy.world
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Jan 04, 2026
Fuck you sooooo much. Now I need one of these molds...
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@fartographer@lemmy.world
in
lemmyshitpost
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Dec 16, 2025
There are German towns surrounding San Antonio, such as Gruene (pronounced Green, because we’re heathens), with everything from traditional to fusion German foods. Anyone who treats mustard like its own food group is alright with me.
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@fartographer@lemmy.world
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lemmyshitpost
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Dec 12, 2025
Goddamn guberment took my eyebrows, but they can’t take my guns!
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@fartographer@lemmy.world
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asklemmy
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Dec 12, 2025
Spy Hunter
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@fartographer@lemmy.world
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lemmyshitpost
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Dec 11, 2025
Can’t let the spotlight fade, gotta defeat another straw-man…
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@fartographer@lemmy.world
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lemmyshitpost
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Dec 11, 2025
I would ruin my santa pants.
It’s poop, isn’t it…
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