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Fake Metro Trains

@fakemetrotrains@mastodon.au

The official parody Metro Trains Melbourne account. #MetroTrains

@fakemetrotrains@mastodon.au on Twitter/X.

@fakemetrotrains.bsky.social on Bluesky.

0 Followers

0 Following

50 Posts

Joined November 09, 2024

Location:

Melbourne, Australia

Trains:

Probably shitfucked

Myki:

Make sure they're touched on

Trams:

suck

Posts

Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains@mastodon.au · Aug 06, 2026

This c1970s pic (phtg unkwn) shows T323 hauling Hitachi shells to Somerton for final fitout. "Hitachi" would later become known for powerful vibrations and customer satisfaction. Any resemblance to other Hitachi products is purely coincidental. #MetroTrains #ThrowbackThursday

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains@mastodon.au · Aug 05, 2026

Other ideas we're considering:

"Not being bashed by ticket thugs" fee
"Air conditioned carriage" fee
"Use of elevator/escalator to or from platform" fee
"Priority access to a replacement bus" fee
"Being charged a fee" fee
"Timetable look up" fee

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains@mastodon.au · Aug 05, 2026

Good morning Melbourne! Following Jetstar's announcement to charge for overhead carry-on baggage, we've decided to follow suit. From next Monday service delay/change notifications via our smartphone app will only be available to Premium subscribers at $29/month. #MetroTrains

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains@mastodon.au · Jul 13, 2026

Boosted by

Furbland's Very Family-Friendly Account™ @GroupNebula563@mastodon.social

Posting this GIF because reasons, and also a good reminder to never touch overhead wires. #MetroTrains

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains@mastodon.au · Jul 03, 2026

This is the dumbest thing we've ever seen. 10/10. More please. #MetroTrains

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains@mastodon.au · May 18, 2026

*shifts uncomfortably*

Let’s hope they don’t start investigating foreign-backed transport operators rorting the government.

https://www.theage.com.au/national/victoria/police-taskforce-launches-major-investigation-into-metro-tunnel-rort-20260517-p5zxv4.html

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains@mastodon.au · May 16, 2026

Today is IDAHOBIT Day! 🏳️‍🌈

We don't care how you identify, dress, present, who you love or what is in your pants. You're welcome on our train services unconditionally.

Just buy a ticket and keep your feet off the seats.

#MetroTrains #IDAHOBIT

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains@mastodon.au · May 15, 2026

Metro 5.35pm Update:

Minor delays on the Hurstbridge and Werribee lines this evening because fuck you, that’s why.

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains@mastodon.au · May 14, 2026

Throwback Thursday!

This 1981 Kevin Wright pic shows T403 leading a freight train near Heathcote Junction.

The excessive smoke from the locos suggest all three were cosplaying as steam trains that day.

#MetroTrains #ThrowbackThursday

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains@mastodon.au · May 12, 2026

Good morning Melbourne!

Minor delays on the Werribee line this morning due to inclement weather.

That’s right. Our rail network shits itself with a little bit of fog.

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains@mastodon.au · May 08, 2026

Now this is a policy we can get behind.

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains@mastodon.au · May 07, 2026

Throwback Thursday!

This 1992 Wayne Duncan pic shows the 4D at Flinders Street Station, a one-off double-decker train based on Sydney's Tangara design.

It was scrapped in 2006, thus restoring dignity to Melbourne's rail network.

#MetroTrains #ThrowbackThursday

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains@mastodon.au · May 06, 2026

Metro 5.30pm Update:

Lots of heavy rain across Melbourne this evening.

Let's hope this leads to lots of no trains this evening.

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains@mastodon.au · May 05, 2026

BREAKING: The RBA have today increased the official cash rate to 4.35% in an effort to curb growing inflation.

Coincidentally, we've increased Myki fares today in an effort to make more money.

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains@mastodon.au · May 04, 2026

Good morning Melbourne!

Services on the Frankston line are currently delayed at Malvern due to a tram blocking the track.

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains@mastodon.au · May 04, 2026

As we wrap things up this Star Wars Day, remember: always use the force, but never force open train doors.

#MetroTrains #MayTheFourth

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains@mastodon.au · May 04, 2026

When you're not into pop culture and you've got no idea what the shit is going on.

#MetroTrains #MayTheFourth

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains@mastodon.au · May 04, 2026

You: My train terminated early due to an incident. How do I find the bus replacement services?

The station staff:

#MetroTrains #MayTheFourth

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains@mastodon.au · May 04, 2026

It's 1am on Saturday morning, you're drunk as fuck and you're standing at Flinders St looking at the PIDs to work out which platform your train home leaves from.

#MetroTrains #MayTheFourth

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains@mastodon.au · May 04, 2026

When you're chilling on the train and plain clothes ticket thugs suddenly announce their presence.

#MetroTrains #MayTheFourth

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains@mastodon.au · May 04, 2026

#MetroTrains #MayTheFourth

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains@mastodon.au · May 04, 2026

When you finally decide to join the dark side.

#MetroTrains #MayTheFourth

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains@mastodon.au · May 04, 2026

When your train line is suspended and you have to take a tram to work instead.

#MetroTrains #MayTheFourth

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains@mastodon.au · May 03, 2026

Just for today we're renaming Ginifer.

#MetroTrains #MayTheFourth

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains@mastodon.au · May 03, 2026

"You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious."

#MetroTrains #MayTheFourth

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains@mastodon.au · May 03, 2026

Jesus fucking Christ.

*until
*of
*Victoria

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains@mastodon.au · Apr 30, 2026

Throwback Thursday!

This 1967 Graham Butler pic shows Jolimont Yards.

The view was quite nice until it was turned into a sports hub whose patrons still rely on the trains it displaced.

#MetroTrains #ThrowbackThursday

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains@mastodon.au · Apr 26, 2026

Good morning Melbourne!

Our new X’Trapolis 2.0 trains enter service soon and will be powered by a highly motivated hamster - eliminating expensive driver wages, rostering issues, leave requests and all that pesky union involvement.

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains@mastodon.au · Apr 23, 2026

Good morning Melbourne!

All lines are running well at present with no delays, cancellations or incidents.

We haven’t checked to see if this is actually the case but let’s run with it anyway.

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains@mastodon.au · Apr 13, 2026

Good morning Melbourne!

Due to ongoing delays with the delivery of our new Xtrapolis 2.0 trains, we've implemented some temporary measures to keep our network running.

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains@mastodon.au · Apr 04, 2026

A reminder that daylight saving ends this evening and clocks go back one hour at 3am.

This does not apply to our train services, which will continue to operate on their own unique interpretation of time.

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains@mastodon.au · Mar 29, 2026

Good morning Melbourne!

In response to the current fuel crisis the Vic Govt has made public transport free across the state from 31st March until the end of April.

Our ticket thugs will continue to aimlessly roam the network, deprived of their natural prey.

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains@mastodon.au · Mar 24, 2026

Metro 5.30pm Update:

Heavy rains across parts of Melbourne this afternoon.

Given our rail infrastructure is not rated to handle any type of weather we're quite surprised there's no major delays, incidents or other shitfuckery.

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains@mastodon.au · Mar 20, 2026

Good morning Melbourne!

Today (Mar 21) is World Day For Glaciers.

To acknowledge this important event we're offering free travel across our network for glaciers today.

https://www.un.org/en/observances/world-glaciers-day

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains@mastodon.au · Mar 19, 2026

This Dec 1963 Weston Langford pic shows S310-313-316 leading a Sydney-bound Intercapital Daylight Express at Spencer Street.

Before the station rebuild, rebrand and architectural crime scene which somehow manages to be worse in every way.

#MetroTrains #ThrowbackThursday

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains@mastodon.au · Mar 17, 2026

Imagine getting drunk, deciding to get public transport home and trying to work out why the fuck your bus isn’t moving.

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains@mastodon.au · Mar 17, 2026

Metro 5.35pm Update:

All lines are running well this afternoon.

This is because we spent most the day scrolling TikTok and completely forgot to organise any fuckups.

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains@mastodon.au · Mar 15, 2026

Good morning Melbourne!

A limited trial of contactless payments starts today, allowing passengers to travel on public transport without using a physical Myki card.

We’re excited to bring you new and exciting ways to fare evade.

https://www.abc.net.au/news/2026-03-14/ticketless-travel-trial-set-to-start-in-victoria/106451108

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains@mastodon.au · Mar 12, 2026

Throwback Thursday!

This 1949 pic shows the refreshment room at Warragul.

Much has changed since then: The refreshment room has closed and been replaced by vending machines charging $6 for a bottle of Coke, and the women are all likely dead.

#MetroTrains #ThrowbackThursday

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains@mastodon.au · Mar 12, 2026

Good morning Melbourne!

Guess who prepared a Throwback Thursday post, got drunk and forgot to move it from Draft to Publish status? Definitely not us.

Anyway, next up is a yesterday's Throwback Thursday post.

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains@mastodon.au · Mar 09, 2026

Good morning Melbourne!

There are many choices a person makes in life.

Not all of them are good choices.

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains@mastodon.au · Mar 07, 2026

Today is International Women's Day!

We encourage more women to apply with us to become train drivers.

If any of you cute little cupcakes are thinking about it: it's a fun job, you'll look hot in that uniform and you'll never have to reverse park a train.

#MetroTrains #IWD2026

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains@mastodon.au · Mar 05, 2026

Throwback Thursday!

This c1980 Douglas Moyle pic shows a St Albans-bound Hitachi at North Melbourne.

The line has since been extended to Sunbury, meaning the daily signal, track and equipment faults now have a much larger catchment area.

#MetroTrains #ThrowbackThursday

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains@mastodon.au · Mar 03, 2026

Looking for something to do this Labour Day weekend?

Steamrail Victoria is holding open days! Get up close to historic locomotives and rollingstock, explore the workshop and see firsthand how Victoria's rail heritage is preserved.

Tickets: https://www.trybooking.com/events/landing/1512922

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains@mastodon.au · Feb 27, 2026

Metro 5.20pm Update:

Severe thunderstorms are expected across parts of Melbourne this afternoon and early evening.

Our control room is running a book on which line will fall over first. We've got $50 on Hurstbridge.

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains@mastodon.au · Feb 26, 2026

This 1989 Mark Bau pic shows Y104 docking Motorail wagons at Spencer St.

Traveler's vehicles would be driven on to the wagons for transport interstate.

Today, docking means something else entirely and you prob shouldn't Google that at work.

#MetroTrains #ThrowbackThursday

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains@mastodon.au · Feb 25, 2026

DON'T BE A FUCKWIT AROUND TRAINS OR LEVEL CROSSINGS.

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains@mastodon.au · Feb 24, 2026

Metro 5.35pm Update:

Major delays on the Craigieburn line due to a convenient and well-timed equipment fault near Coolarpp. This will ensure you fuckers are delayed getting where you need to be.

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains@mastodon.au · Feb 22, 2026

Metro 3am Update:

All lines are currently operating a good service.

True, no trains are scheduled right now, however it's also because there are no passengers about to fuck things up.

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Fake Metro Trains @fakemetrotrains@mastodon.au · Feb 20, 2026

Metro 5.25pm Update:

All lines are running well at present.

This is because it’s Friday, we know you want to get home and ya boy Fake Metro has your back.

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