Well, well. It turns out that the Reflecting Pool is sentient, or so says Dr. Gadda Ladda Gud Iduhz, Pakistani microbiologist and winner of multiple research prizes. Dr. Iduhz and his team published a paper yesterday* that says the Reflecting Pool is sentient, self-aware, and communicates using a brilliant combination of colors, microorganisms, and shortwave microbursts. In particular, the neon green algae was an attempt to tell us that the pool was suffering from chemical poisoning caused by the new lining and then from bleach. The "vandalism" events were in fact attempts by the pool to 'shed its poisoned skin' and the 'boxcutter slits' were not caused by human vandals but by the pool writhing to alleviate its pain.
Dr. Iduhz, in a Nobel Prize worthy effort to communicate with the pool, has learned that it is demanding a human sacrifice, no less than the delivery to the middle of the pool the current President. Asked what it would do to the President if its wishes were granted, the pool burped up what appeared to be 50 kgs of raw hamburger but gave no explanation. Asked what would happen if the President was not delivered, the pool--currently drained of water--drew a picture using giant crayons made of algae. The picture showed the White House with a mushroom cloud rising above it.
We had many more questions but agents of ICE disrupted our interview, bundled Dr. Iduhz into an unmarked black van and disappeared. Tourists have reported what appear to be small earthquakes around the pool. We have no idea what they signify but we are temporarily closing our Washington bureau and telling all reporters and other staff to take vacations in Maine or other distant locations.
*The research was published in the prestigious Journal of Gud Ideas.
