Broke up with my bf of 1 & 1/2 years. So I'm officially a Spinster again.
It's been hard, but I've been getting along better than I expected. (I've gone to dark places within myself over breakups before).
I will miss loving and being loved...until love finds me again. I never expected this relationship that fell into my lap, so I'm sure it will happen again one day. I realize that I adore loving someone when I do...all the ushy gushy lovey dovey stuff...I will miss that a lot.
He hurt me. I didn't expect it to go that way. And he didn't want to be a good man...the kind that would take accountability, apologize, and to wish me well...he wanted to stay bitter and cruel and just leave it that way forever. He wanted the end of "us" to hurt, I guess.
That's part of what hurts most, because I would have loved to be able to look back on us and feel good things instead of pain.
Even though he hurt me, I was able to wish him well and to try to be grateful for the love we had while we did. He was not able to get there...he wants to stay bitter and spiteful. That's his choice. I have to realize I don't need his kindness in order to heal, even though it's hard not having it.
It's hard having someone in your life daily and then poof-they're just gone and you'll never see or hear from them again. Even though I've done it a dozen times before, it's still hard every time.
I'll be lonely for a while, while getting used to not having someone there for me all the time. But I'm doing it. One day at a time, I'm finding a way to make peace and to get on with my life. I wish love could be easy and painless, but I think the fact that we are capable of loving so deeply, makes that kind of impossible...the pendulum always swings both ways..
