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  no more reasonable adjustments. from now on i will be asking for unreasonable adjustments only

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  there’s a bold new gambit in the fight against domestic clothes moths. the gambit in question: Unleashing Wasps

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  it took over 20,000 man-hours to build the Queen Elizabeth Olympic Park for the 2012 Olympics - that’s the equivalent of around 100,000 fish-hours!

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  my pal is bringing me a lovely diary/notebook and fountain pen back from japan. im ready 2 become a journal guy. AAAAAA (excited)

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  i dreamt lemonade (not any brand of lemonade just all lemonade) was giving away a free collectible figurine called a lemonadoo whenever you bought lemonade

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  why do they make major tom eat protein pills at the beginning of the song when he's still on earth. he's about to go on a deadly space mission, can't he at least have a baked potato or something

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  gay question but can any of you sing/act and want to be in my and my housemate's musical/opera that we're staging in london in september. it will be absolute chaos and will be paid off ticket sales (i.e. badly). we did sell out the venue when we did our scratch performance earlier in the year so we do expect it to be well-attended and the project is p cool in MY opinion

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  imagine getting a text this good

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  he never said that

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  i'm gonna be the first person on earth that everybody likes

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  i have nothing to declare but my penius

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  im so angry i'm so angry and there is nothing to be done with it. any rebellious way i could act out in response will not help because in the end, while people like me will doubtless be caught in the crossfire, the people they're really trying to hurt are our sisters. i can throw a tantrum but it does not help them

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  i guess cat birth control is one of those things you only learn about when it becomes directly relevant to your life

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  i’ve been complaining for many years now (“yeah we know” shut up) about the declining general availability of candy floss (even the bagged stuff, never MIND fresh) even in its traditional settings (fairs, seasides, theme parks etc) so imagine the faces/noises i made yesterday when a guy who runs a kids’ party venue on our high street brought his own machine to the local street fair yesterday along with ELEVEN FLAVOURS OF SPINNING SUGAR

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  if i got a job as a horse i would expense a carrot

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  me: working from home gives me the opportunity to focus on tasks free from the the distractions of a noisy office! brain: TROUT TROUT LET IT ALL OUT THESE ARE THE FISH I CAN DO WITHOUT SALMON I’M TALKING TO YOU SALMON me: cool never mind

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  british garden birds are gay

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  woke up laughing from another dream... i imagined this advert for John Deere tractors, which was shot like an advert for an expensive car, a model-handsome man in a straw farmer's hat at the wheel of a shiny red tractor, pulling a haystack in a trailer, cruising around the winding roads in the italian mountains. lots of those panning shots taken by a drone. the part that woke me up was the accompanying song - a contemplative, strummy guitar waltz in the james blunt style, and the lyrics...

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  basking on a beautiful beach but the sand is huel powder. every time a wave washes up upon the shore it makes a batch of fresh huel. it is very convenient for my busy lifestyle. the smell is absolutely unspeakable

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  just awoke suddenly from a dream in which they invented the walking avocado as a replacement for the horse. the sheer amount of column inches devoted to discussing the supposed energy efficiency savings was insane

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  i wish i was a little bit wider… i wish i was a SPIDER

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  hakuna whatever i don’t believe a lion got that big from eating bugs

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  heres an april fool for you: fuck off

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  everyone giving advice about candles in general needs to RE READ MY ORIGINAL POST: i want to know how many SCENTED candles i can eat before it becomes a medical problem. to those asking which flavour: NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS

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  oh so the BODY is the one keeping the score. then i’m sure it’s just a big coincidence that i keep losing to it 😒