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  sick to death of someone named Angela in Bundaberg, Queensland, who continues to accidentally hand out my phone number to her dentist, car mechanic, and now real estate agent. I'm going to call her and give her a piece of my mind

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  sherlock holmes shitting in his mind toilet

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  binge watching Xena is the best way to do it because in the same evening you get to run the whole spectrum of plots from "Xena struggles with her dark past and her complicated feelings for Gabrielle" to "Xena has diarrhoea"

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  if you call yourself a "Xennial" in public I will find you and tie your shoelaces together

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  tech companies have issued a stern warning to the government today that if they aren't allowed to continue dodging taxes, they won't be able to develop new technologies that put hundreds of thousands of people out of jobs

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  Everything that should cost $2 now costs $20. Things that should cost $20 now cost $100. Things that used to cost $100 are now only available on a $50/month subscription plan. And all of them are made with the quality of something that costs $2 anyway

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  the people who fix, re-sync and upload correct subtitles are braver and contribute more to society than the troops

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  pauses in literature are always getting pregnant. who is out there knocking up these pauses. why can’t a pause show up in a book I’m reading without having a bun in the oven

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  when all you have is the master's tools, everything looks like the master's house

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  eating a whole packet of gingernut biscuits and staring at the 1.5 star health rating and shaking my head and tut-tutting occasionally so that the Government knows I’m aware of my choices

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  (bitterly) lmao. lmao

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  I love my smart TV. I love the way it takes a long time to boot up because it's trying to refresh the advertisements on the home screen. I delight in the way it randomly restarts because it's downloaded an update without asking me, each of which makes the TV slower and slower with every subsequent install. I adore the way it buries the apps that I want to use, and that I use without fail every single time, below the apps that it's being paid to promote and which I have ne...

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  ME: Hello computer! Please show me what I was doing recently COMPUTER IN THE 1980's: l cease to exist when I am powered off. Please start whatever you were doing from scratch COMPUTER IN THE 2000's: Yep here you go champ COMPUTER IN THE 2020's: I stored 10,000 identical copies of what you were doing in 500 different global datacentres at a carbon footprint equivalent to leaving a semi-trailer idling 24/7 and also sent a copy to the FBI just to be safe. Let me know whic...