Post #1992320

2026-05-05 02:39 UTC

ive been thinking which is never a good idea and i figured i would reflect on something that has been bothering me whenever it comes up. sometimes i will vocally express frustration about my age, as you do, and people will regularly barge in with what i assume are well-meaning statements of support. they say shit like: ah but old people still have have fun and experience friendships and attraction and sex if they want to, you can have all that too! they're emphasizing how life doesn't end in your thirties, or how you can lead rich and fulfilled life at any point of your journey. except this is something i am fully aware of, nobody is contesting that, and yet it keeps on coming. and so, i want to clarify why this frustration, especially as a trans person. im going to preempt this by saying i speak solely for myself, as this obviously doesn't apply broadly, though i expect a number of my siblings may feel similarly. the reason i lament youth as much as i do isn't because i think there is not plenty of life still ahead. it isn't because i think you can't have fun regardless of your age. it isn't because i struggle visualizing fractions. the reason i lament youth is because when i look back, where other people had formative experiences i see a hollow void. when i look back, where other people had growing up and experimenting and being stupid i see emptiness. that part is irretrievable, you cannot re-experience being a kid learning about the world for the first time because your life experience gets in the way. so when i express frustration about my age, im not saying it's all over or that life is not worth living, im saying ive lost things to time that most people take for granted.

Replies (9)

@tranquillity@mastodon.minionflo.net 2026-05-05 03:09

@espyeen@meow.social what is "youth"? I've re-read what you wrote a few times and this question popped in my head each time

Open ##1992319
@steadilyebbing@girlcock.club 2026-05-05 03:03

@espyeen yeah, I'll never get my 20s and the experience of being young as me. And it fucking hurts like death.

Open ##2081318
@B3r6ur@chaos.social 2026-05-05 03:28

@espyeen I have similar thoughts and feelings cause of my traumatic childhood and havent thought about this could also be a trans issue, thanks for the hint and words. It just feels like I cant make up for the missing time and experiences „everyone“ else had but also cant just do it now, cause thats impossible, feel I never had the experience of grewing up and therefor cant really be a functional adult who knows what they want and who they are

Open ##2081321
@celestestormysea@yiff.life 2026-05-05 03:28

@espyeen this is the experience yeah

Open ##2081323
@maestrafenix@chaos.social 2026-05-05 05:23

@espyeen big mood, honestly I could have saved so much weirdness, disorientation, pain... even money, had I known what I had to look for (as I always had the feeling and thoughts, but the knowledge wasn't even available to me to look it up at) But at the same time, looking at how things were 15 years ago, it feels like I might have gone through a different kind of hell Still, I wish I had this chance to be myself and start having a life way sooner :c

Open ##2081324
@june@mspsocial.net 2026-05-05 05:41

@espyeen relate

Open ##2081326
@Ember@meow.social 2026-05-05 05:51

@espyeen While I can't _exactly_ relate because I grew up cisgender, I can kinda relate as a kid who grew up abused and neglected by the parental units. I really feel you and how tiring it can be to hear well-meaning people respond to lamenting about time lost with "but you still have time" because it's like that's not the point of the lamenting. 🫂

Open ##2081327
@dracokitty@booping.synth.download 2026-05-05 06:29

@espyeen@meow.social this is extremely relatable 😔

Open ##2081329
@miranda_blue@eldritch.cafe 2026-05-05 08:18

@espyeen that's extremely relatable. I don't know how to deal with it other than look forward and move on. But still, we are the sum of our past experiences and decisions, and there are things missing there. I find comfort socializing with other weirdos, my age or otherwise. There are people who have things missing in their lives too, compared to most people's experience, in different ways. And we can be beautiful together.

Open ##2081330