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66 posts · Last used 2d

The Onion @theonion@bots.defencegeeks.net
· 3d ago
Trump Drops Bombshell Evidence Biden Actively Campaigned Against Him WASHINGTON—During an address to the nation Tuesday in which he claimed to have obtained definitive proof that the election was stolen, President Donald Trump presented bombshell evidence showing his opponent Joe Biden actively campaigned against him throughout the 2020 presidential race. Trump, who spoke from the White House, … #theonion https://theonion.com/trump-drops-bombshell-evidence-biden-actively-campaigned-against-him/
Trump Drops Bombshell Evidence Biden Actively Campaigned Against Him
The Onion

Trump Drops Bombshell Evidence Biden Actively Campaigned Against Him

WASHINGTON—During an address to the nation Tuesday in which he claimed to have obtained definitive proof that the election was stolen, President Donald Trump presented bombshell evidence showing his opponent Joe Biden actively campaigned against him throughout the 2020 presidential race. Trump, who spoke from the White House, detailed a conspiracy in which paid operatives […]

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internetarchive @internetarchive@mastodon.archive.org
· 3d ago
Boosted by @trending@homestead.social
🧅🌐 The Onion has been making the news absurd for decades. Founded as a college newspaper in 1988, The Onion launched online in 1996, bringing its unmistakably ridiculous headlines, stories & snark to the web. 30 years later, its site is still going strong & satirical as ever. Explore web history with the Wayback Machine ➡️ https://web.archive.org #TheOnion #WebHistory
web.archive.org

Wayback Machine

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The Onion @theonion@bots.defencegeeks.net
· 3w ago
Blind Man Who Drove 150 Miles Drunk Avoids Jail A blind man in the U.K. who drove his wife’s car 150 miles while drunk avoided prison time, despite not even having a license. What do you think? The post Blind Man Who Drove 150 Miles Drunk Avoids Jail appeared first on The Onion. #theonion https://theonion.com/blind-man-who-drove-150-miles-drunk-avoids-jail/
Blind Man Who Drove 150 Miles Drunk Avoids Jail
The Onion

Blind Man Who Drove 150 Miles Drunk Avoids Jail

A blind man in the U.K. who drove his wife’s car 150 miles while drunk avoided prison time, despite not even having a license. What do you think?

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The Onion @theonion@bots.defencegeeks.net
· 3w ago
Ella-Lousie Bauer and Aron Howell The lovely couple could not afford the time off work, so they wed in eight 15-minute chunks over three days during their allotted bathroom breaks. The post Ella-Lousie Bauer and Aron Howell appeared first on The Onion. #theonion https://theonion.com/ella-lousie-bauer-and-aron-howell/
Ella-Lousie Bauer and Aron Howell
The Onion

Ella-Lousie Bauer and Aron Howell

The lovely couple could not afford the time off work, so they wed in eight 15-minute chunks over three days during their allotted bathroom breaks.

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The Onion @theonion@bots.defencegeeks.net
· 1mo ago
Dept. Of Interior Sets Aside 2.3 Million Acres For Future Trumps To Enjoy WASHINGTON—Calling the act a forward-looking attempt to preserve the nation’s most precious natural treasures for the president’s descendants, the Department of the Interior announced Monday that it would set aside a 2.3-million-acre stretch of American land for future Trumps to enjoy. “We’re proud to safeguard these … #theonion https://theonion.com/dept-of-interior-sets-aside-2-3-million-acres-for-future-trumps-to-enjoy/
Dept. Of Interior Sets Aside 2.3 Million Acres For Future Trumps To Enjoy
The Onion

Dept. Of Interior Sets Aside 2.3 Million Acres For Future Trumps To Enjoy

WASHINGTON—Calling the act a forward-looking attempt to preserve the nation’s most precious natural treasures for the president’s descendants, the Department of the Interior announced Monday that it would set aside a 2.3-million-acre stretch of American land for future Trumps to enjoy. “We’re proud to safeguard these beautiful forests, beaches, and mountaintops to ensure they can […]

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The Onion @theonion@bots.defencegeeks.net
· 2mo ago
New DNC Fundraising Email Urges Voters To Find Something Better To Do With Their Money WASHINGTON—Pleading with recipients to use their hard-earned cash more productively, a Democratic National Committee fundraising email sent out Thursday urged voters to find something better to do with their money. “There are so many incredible things you can put your money toward that are m… #theonion https://theonion.com/new-dnc-fundraising-email-urges-voters-to-find-something-better-to-do-with-their-money/
New DNC Fundraising Email Urges Voters To Find Something Better To Do With Their Money
The Onion

New DNC Fundraising Email Urges Voters To Find Something Better To Do With Their Money

WASHINGTON—Pleading with recipients to use their hard-earned cash more productively, a Democratic National Committee fundraising email sent out Thursday urged voters to find something better to do with their money. “There are so many incredible things you can put your money toward that are more worthwhile than the Democratic National Committee,” read the email attributed to DNC […]

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Farhad A. @faab64@todon.eu
· 2mo ago
THE ONION STRIKES AGAIN: In response to an independent United Nations inquiry concluding that Israel is committing an ongoing genocide against Palestinians in Gaza, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu issued a defiant statement Thursday in which he criticized the commission’s finding, declaring that “these so-called genocide experts have probably never committed a genocide in their lives.” “Until you’ve killed countless civilians, the word ‘genocide’ shouldn’t even come out of your damn mouth,” said Netanyahu, arguing that the pampered intellectuals at the U.N. were nothing more than a bunch of armchair human rights abusers. “Name one ethnic group you’ve attempted to obliterate. I’ll wait. I mean, have you even bombed a single children’s hospital? Please, you’ve got no idea what you’re talking about. Maybe you read a book about the 1948 Genocide Convention? https://theonion.com/netanyahu-these-so-called-genocide-experts-have-probably-never-committed-a-genocide-in-their-lives/ #Satire #Netanyahu #UN #Gaza #Genocide #TheOnion #Palestine
Netanyahu: ‘These So-Called Genocide Experts Have Probably Never Committed A Genocide In Their Lives’
The Onion

Netanyahu: ‘These So-Called Genocide Experts Have Probably Never Committed A Genocide In Their Lives’

JERUSALEM—In response to an independent United Nations inquiry concluding that Israel is committing an ongoing genocide against Palestinians in Gaza, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu issued a defiant statement Thursday in which he criticized the commission’s finding, declaring that “these so-called genocide experts have probably never committed a genocide in their lives.” “Until you’ve killed countless […]

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The Onion @theonion@bots.defencegeeks.net
· 2mo ago
Antichrist Rolls Eyes Throughout  Peter Thiel Lecture ROME—In addition to crossing his arms and shaking his head as he listened to the tech billionaire spread blatant misinformation about the End Times, the Antichrist reportedly rolled his eyes Monday throughout a lecture given by Peter Thiel. “This second-rate charlatan doesn’t know the first goddamn thing about my plans to bring widespread doom,” said the […… #theonion https://theonion.com/antichrist-rolls-eyes-throughout-peter-thiel-lecture/
Antichrist Rolls Eyes Throughout  Peter Thiel Lecture
The Onion

Antichrist Rolls Eyes Throughout  Peter Thiel Lecture

ROME—In addition to crossing his arms and shaking his head as he listened to the tech billionaire spread blatant misinformation about the End Times, the Antichrist reportedly rolled his eyes Monday throughout a lecture given by Peter Thiel. “This second-rate charlatan doesn’t know the first goddamn thing about my plans to bring widespread doom,” said the […]

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The Onion @theonion@bots.defencegeeks.net
· 2mo ago
Everyone Needs To Calm   Down, Reports Man Who Accidentally Shot Someone CLARKTON, NC—Stressing the need to get a grip and think clearly for a second, local man Ryan Kruze, who had just accidentally shot someone, reportedly urged all the people around him on Friday to calm down. “Okay, everyone, let’s just take a deep breath and pull ourselves together,” said Kruze, who, after discharging his … #theonion https://theonion.com/everyone-needs-to-calm-down-reports-man-who-accidentally-shot-someone/
Everyone Needs To Calm   Down, Reports Man Who Accidentally Shot Someone
The Onion

Everyone Needs To Calm   Down, Reports Man Who Accidentally Shot Someone

CLARKTON, NC—Stressing the need to get a grip and think clearly for a second, local man Ryan Kruze, who had just accidentally shot someone, reportedly urged all the people around him on Friday to calm down. “Okay, everyone, let’s just take a deep breath and pull ourselves together,” said Kruze, who, after discharging his firearm while […]

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The Onion @theonion@bots.defencegeeks.net
· 2mo ago
U.S. Instates Military Wife Draft WASHINGTON—Pledging to do everything in his power to ensure the mental and physical needs of his troops were being fulfilled, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced Thursday that the United States had officially instated a military wife draft.  Hegseth told reporters that given the “abysmal” numbers of Americans who voluntarily enlisted to wed U.S. soldiers, he […] The post U.S. Instates Milita… #theonion https://theonion.com/u-s-instates-military-wife-draft/
The Onion

U.S. Instates Military Wife Draft

WASHINGTON—Pledging to do everything in his power to ensure the mental and physical needs of his troops were being fulfilled, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced Thursday that the United States had officially instated a military wife draft.  Hegseth told reporters that given the “abysmal” numbers of Americans who voluntarily enlisted to wed U.S. soldiers, he […]

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The Onion @theonion@bots.defencegeeks.net
· 2mo ago
Technological Advancements Allow Data Centers To Run On Even More Electricity SAN FRANCISCO—Hailing rapid developments in the infrastructure needed to support artificial intelligence, OpenAI CEO Sam Altman announced Tuesday that technological advancements were now allowing data centers to run on even more electricity. “People said we were using an unacceptable amount of power, and with… #theonion https://theonion.com/technological-advancements-allow-data-centers-to-run-on-even-more-electricity/
Technological Advancements Allow Data Centers To Run On Even More Electricity
The Onion

Technological Advancements Allow Data Centers To Run On Even More Electricity

SAN FRANCISCO—Hailing rapid developments in the infrastructure needed to support artificial intelligence, OpenAI CEO Sam Altman announced Tuesday that technological advancements were now allowing data centers to run on even more electricity. “People said we were using an unacceptable amount of power, and with these upgraded facilities that require so much more of it, we’ve […]

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The Onion @theonion@bots.defencegeeks.net
· 2mo ago
Power-Mad Marvel Claims ‘Night At The Roxbury’ Part Of MCU BURBANK, CA—In a bold and shameless effort to expand their growing reach in the film industry, power-mad Marvel Studios executives claimed Friday that A Night At The Roxbury was part of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. “The Eurodance-loving crime fighters are an iconic superhero duo who have long been a fixture of the MCU, delighting our audiences […… #theonion https://theonion.com/power-mad-marvel-claims-night-at-the-roxbury-part-of-mcu/
Power-Mad Marvel Claims ‘Night At The Roxbury’ Part Of MCU
The Onion

Power-Mad Marvel Claims ‘Night At The Roxbury’ Part Of MCU

BURBANK, CA—In a bold and shameless effort to expand their growing reach in the film industry, power-mad Marvel Studios executives claimed Friday that A Night At The Roxbury was part of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. “The Eurodance-loving crime fighters are an iconic superhero duo who have long been a fixture of the MCU, delighting our audiences […]

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The Onion @theonion@bots.defencegeeks.net
· 2mo ago
Translator Of Original ‘Minions’ Epic Poem Slams ‘Sexless, Bloodless’ Film Adaptation PHILADELPHIA—In a 4,500-word essay published in Harper’s Magazine, Emily Wilson, known for her popular translation of the Minions epic poem, blasted the latest film Thursday as a “sexless, bloodless” adaptation. “The first line of my translation is ‘Tell me about a kooky Minion,’ but the Minions in… #theonion https://theonion.com/translator-of-original-minions-epic-poem-slams-sexless-bloodless-film-adaptation/
Translator Of Original ‘Minions’ Epic Poem Slams ‘Sexless, Bloodless’ Film Adaptation
The Onion

Translator Of Original ‘Minions’ Epic Poem Slams ‘Sexless, Bloodless’ Film Adaptation

PHILADELPHIA—In a 4,500-word essay published in Harper’s Magazine, Emily Wilson, known for her popular translation of the Minions epic poem, blasted the latest film Thursday as a “sexless, bloodless” adaptation. “The first line of my translation is ‘Tell me about a kooky Minion,’ but the Minions in director Pierre Coffin’s film—who has said in at […]

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The Onion @theonion@bots.defencegeeks.net
· 2mo ago
Pharmaceutical Ad Urges Viewers To Fight Doctors Who Say Drug Not Right For Them NORTH CHICAGO, IL—Emphasizing that potential users of the drug should never take no for an answer, a Skyrizi ad that began airing nationally Tuesday encourages viewers to fight any doctors who say the medication is not right for them. “Consult your doctor before taking Skyrizi, and if your doctor advise… #theonion https://theonion.com/pharmaceutical-ad-urges-viewers-to-fight-doctors-who-say-drug-not-right-for-them/
Pharmaceutical Ad Urges Viewers To Fight Doctors Who Say Drug Not Right For Them
The Onion

Pharmaceutical Ad Urges Viewers To Fight Doctors Who Say Drug Not Right For Them

NORTH CHICAGO, IL—Emphasizing that potential users of the drug should never take no for an answer, a Skyrizi ad that began airing nationally Tuesday encourages viewers to fight any doctors who say the medication is not right for them. “Consult your doctor before taking Skyrizi, and if your doctor advises against it, physically attack them […]

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