Nangijala

My friend, the desktop on my work computer is the neatest fucking thing you’d ever see. It would make you tear up with how beautiful it is. My irl desktop at work? Hiroshima.

I’m really sorry you lost your dad. I can’t imagine how painful that is 💔 I have journalled through grief, though my loss wasn’t due to a death, but at some point in my life I went through something really terrible that made me realize that my whole life was a lie and that everything I believed to be true wasn’t and that I was on my own with no real support. I guess the only one that died was the person I used to be and I had to start over. I journalled a lot about the events that messed me up and the people I felt let down by. I also wrote about myself and what the point even was for me to stick around. I found many points even if I sometimes felt it wasn’t enough. I journalled for years. Chaotic, ugly, nonlinear. Like you said: complete acceptance one day and furious anger the next. It was exhausting and maddening and I felt embarrassed that I just couldn’t get over it, but my entire life foundation have been destroyed and I was still not 20 so it was a bit much, you know? Things for me calmed down over time. It took years. Things never were the same, but new things came from what had been ruined. Some of them were actually true blessings. I stopped Journaling when I no longer felt the need to. I barely journal anymore, but I am glad I did while everything was fucked because I had no one to talk to, trust or rely on. I only had my pen and the paper I wrote things on to avoid going insane. I still have most of my writings from that time and I cannot read them today, but neither can I throw them away because they are evidence of what I went through and if I threw them away, there would be no proof it happened to me. That how I feel and I want it to be there as proof of something really hard I overcame for when life hits me with the next wave of hardships. I survived it once, I will survive it again, sort of mindset. I won’t pretend like what I went through is in anyway on the level of losing a beloved parent. It’s so final in a way that my grief wasn’t. While I woke up to a reality where the friendship and family dynamics I thought I had weren’t real, I would still be able to talk to the people who were now strangers to me, wearing the faces of people I loved. So it’s not the same. You get over that shock in time and you get used the people they actually are and not who you thought they were. Relationships change, life moves on, even if your paths no longer cross and you’re better without them near you. For me, some of them may as well be dead. But for you it is different because it is final so it is a completely different league of pain. I just wanted to affirm that yes, grief is chaos and nonlinear and writing it down is exhausting and painful and it doesn’t really feel like it’s helping because it still hurts inside. But if you don’t write it down and just carry it inside in silence, it will probably be way worse for you in the long run. It’s like a swelling in a limb where you cut a little hole to drain the blood and fluids to avoid infection and future amputation. Shit still hurts. It probably takes forever for the injury to heal and you will have to empty the swelling multiple times, but you get to keep your arm even if it’ll be a gnarly mess of scartissue afterwards. At least it will still be there to for you to use. Again, I’m so sorry for your loss. I wish I could say something to comfort you, but I know words are kinda empty next to the pain you must feel. ❤️‍🩹

My brain is more like a skipping record. I get to hear the same part of a song in an endless loop until my brain decides to move on to something else. I fucking swear, dude, there was a period of TWO MONTHS where I had this thing stuck in my head 24/7. Currently, I have had the main theme from Midnight Run stuck in my head for a week, which is a mood booster, so I don’t mind.

I think I need to buy a really big, beautiful picture frame and start do a meme collage.

The whole list thing and how you should organize all the task depending on how urgent they are never worked for me. I have been told to do this, but I can’t do it without a lot of help. It’s as if my brain doesn’t compute that some things are more urgent than others. All things are equally urgent in my head. So you can tell me to do it, even ask me which task is the most urgent one, and I’ll just stare at you as if you just spoke to me in Russian. I don’t fucking know. I don’t know what is more important. I don’t know what I need to do first. When someone else breaks it down for me, I totally see it. It’s like the fog lifts and it’s so simple and easy to understand, but the second they leave me to do it on my own, I’m back in the fog and everything looks the same. Equally urgent. I’ve gotten a tiny bit better at it with age, but I am still pretty shite overall. Also, disclaimer: not officially diagnosed. Just for good measure.