Post #3985947

1. Mother died. 2. Collapse of belief system. 3. Spouse lied to me about money for years. 4. Discovering I've been in debt because of spouse for years and didn't know it. 5. Facing up to the fact that I'm now 43, not young, will never be young, and wasted the last 16 years of my life. 6. Not sure what to do with my career. 7. Having panic attacks about aging and death all day long. 8. Really regretting all the time I wasted and didn't use properly. Really facing up to the fact that I've not taken responsibility for my life. 9. Regretting my orchiectomy, because all of a sudden without spirituality, I kinda want kids and can't have them. 10. collapse of my gender identity into 'I don't know what' - like I literally don't care what pronouns you use for me anymore, I ASSUME this is depression but I don't know. like I don't even feel like a girl anymore, just a lost, confused person. And I guess the answer to this, from asking around is 'make my own meaning' - and...that's hard. That's really hard. I'm BAD AT LIFE. I wish it wasn't true, but I am. So somehow I have to find that meaning via pulling myself back together, when I kinda want to just sleep for a month. But I can't sleep. I just wake up with nightmares of death. And I need to get through this. And I....assume I will? But I'll always be sad about aging, I think. About the time I lost.