Post #3886074

2026-07-17 13:33 UTC

So something I've seen on facebook a lot in wierd onliney discord groups - and a little bit on here, and I think they are related. (note: not calling anyone out) I've seen pushback against two things, and I think they are really the same thing. The first thing is, I've seen very young queers on Facebook pushing back against the idea that queer is cultural - that you can choose to be queer. Decrying the idea that there are some gay people who are not queer, and some straight people who are. I've seen a lot of pushback on this. The second thing is, I've seen a lot of (mostly older, sometimes younger) queers who do a lot of activism take issue with the idea that some hobophobes can be closted queers. And I think this is the same thing going on here. You are born gay, or trans, or bisexual, or ace. It can shift and change but you are born this way. You don't have to act this way. I'm in a 94% Trump area, I'm visibly trans, for most people I'm the FIRST AND ONLY visibly trans person they ever know they've seen. For every one queer person I've met in person, I've probably had 5 or 6 "straight" people come to me confessing their secret gay thoughts, unasked for. I am the repository of the lives they've never lived. And these are people as gay as you and I, as bisexual as you and I, as trans as you and I, as nonbinary as you and I, who will never, ever, EVER act on it. Ever. No intent. Or some of them do act on it, and then feel terrible shame. Or fantasize about it. I know several woman who have been in 15-20 year marriages whom have fantasized about their best friends (girls) EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. they have sex. I know multiple people who have said to me "I'm nonbinary but I'll never do anything about it and don't want people to know." and they integrate into straight culture. These people are not queer. They are still trans or bi or gay or whatever, bu t they are not queer. But not all stories are like this. I know a mid-90s' gay man in my town, who used to tell stories a decade ago, about how in the 60s he'd go to bars, let straight men beat him up, then buy them drinks and go home with them and have sex. These were not queer men. “Queer' not as being about who you're having sex with (that can be a dimension of it); but 'queer' as being about the self that is at odds with everything around it and that has to invent and create and find a place to speak and to thrive and to live.” - Bell Hooks 1/2

Replies (4)

@CharlotteEowyn@chaosfem.tw 2026-07-17 13:37

So not all people who have these urges, or genes, or desires - are queer. It's a counterculture. And some people just live with it and some people get angry. Very angry. It doesn't make US AS QUEER PEOPLE responsible for the ones who think about gay sex every day and get angry about it. They are not queer. It doesn't make US AS QUEER PEOPLE responsible for self hating transmascs (like my mom!) when they abuse or denegrate actual queer people, then die wishing they'd lived their authentic lives. I didn't choose for my mother not to be a man. She did choose to abuse me for wishing I wasn't one. I have met a lot of homophobes. I'm in a 94% Trump area. A lot of them. Most are just people. But up to 40% of the population is "like us". But 1.5% are trans and about 10% are out queers. So that's a big gap. And I gotta tell you, every fucking person I've ever met. EVERY FUCKING ONE - who is like "I THINK ABOUT GAY SEX OR TRANSITIONING ALL THE TIME AND IT MAKES ME ANGRY" - not the casual homophobes, the emotional, angry ones - those people? In my experience are usually repressed people like us. Not queer. NOT. QUEER. NEVER. QUEER. We are not RESPONSIBLE FOR THEM. And pointing out they are just angry at not making the choices we did, at not choosing to be authentic, doesn't take anything away from us. This is why Republican National Convention always crashes Grindr. Why when my friend Ben, an out gay lutheran minister died, his funeral was FILLED with closeted gay men. Why my mother died wishing she was a boy. We don't make their choices. We can point them out. 2/2

Open ##3886156
@junklight@mastodon.art 2026-07-17 13:39

@CharlotteEowyn@chaosfem.tw back in the day, when I was sexually active - one of the conversations I had with _loads_ of "straight" people when they found out I am bi was about same sex crushes/encounters. I've only met two people who were absolutely never going to (consciously) sleep with a woman (one a man, one a woman - & I slept with both of them ;-) I've long since lost contact with either so they'll probably never find out they actually did ;-) ) (also 1/2 - I dont' get as many letters as you :-p)

Open ##3886210
@CharlotteEowyn@chaosfem.tw 2026-07-17 13:45

I also think its telling that most arguments against this are variants of either 'it looks bad for us' or 'other people can't identify how they choose'. I don't care if it looks bad for us if certain homophobes are obviously...whatever. I don't care. They are not queer. That's a CULTURE, that's a CHOICE. We can point out the hypocrisy without taking responsibility for them. And a lot of the homophobia is deflection, anyways. They think that by being homophobic, they can be 'one of the good ones'. And we just shouldn't tolerate that anymore, or let anyone else do it, either. Call a horse a horse. Doesn't make it one of us, but its still a horse. 3/2

Open ##3886294
@CharlotteEowyn@chaosfem.tw 2026-07-17 14:12

Queer' not as being about who you're having sex with (that can be a dimension of it); but 'queer' as being about the self that is at odds with everything around it and that has to invent and create and find a place to speak and to thrive and to live. "Not gay as in happy but QUEER as in "fuck you" - unknown." 4/2

Open ##3887210