You wouldn’t download a pizza…

Yes, you would. Save the following into a file and you’ve downloaded a pizza! Note: I’m listing ingredients for a single pizza, enough for two people. Scale them up as needed! I’ll also list things as percentage of the weight of the flour, for the bakers out there. Dough: 250g=100% wheat flour. 10% gluten is fine. 150ml=60% water at 30°C. You can increase the amount of water once you’re used to doughs, but 60% hydration is a good start. Also, it’s fine if the water is a bit colder, you’ll just wait longer; but do not use hot water, you’ll kill the yeast YOU MURDERER. 10g=8% oil. Veg oil is fine here, EVOO is a waste because the taste is baked away. 6g=2.4% sugar. Some people use honey; up to you. You won’t eat it — the yeast will. 4g=1.6% salt. 2g=0.8% instant yeast. Amounts can be eyeballed. Toppings: eyeballed amount of olive oil. This one needs to be olive oil. tomato passata. No, not sauce. It should be pure tomatoes, mashed. You can make it at home from Roma tomatoes if you want, just remember this is not a bloody torrent, so no seeds. Tomato puree, tomato paste etc. work fine too, as long as it isn’t the sauce you’d add to pasta when you’re overworked because of capitalism. If it’s too concentrated it’s fine to water it a bit but don’t go overboard. Ah, season it with salt and pepper. 200g mozzarella. Preferably low moisture (easier browning), low fat (unless you like those puddles of butter, I don’t), and low-ish salt (I’ve bought salty moz’ once for a lasagna and it ruined the whole thing). The toppings of your choice. Yes, even pineapples if you want. If unsure, ham/salami and olives are a safe bet. Oregano. A pizza without oregano is a sad pizza. Without oregano the other pizze would look at yours and say “failure~”. Mix every dough ingredient. There’s no fluff like “separate solids and liquids”, just mix and knead the dough well until smooth. Leave the dough inside a larger closed container, over your desktop tower. Go play some AAA game you pirated, those that make GPU and CPU go brrrr so the dough gets warm. After some time (30min? 2h? It depends on weather), the dough should have at least doubled in size. Punch it to get rid of those excessively large air bubbles, sprinkle some flour over it (so it doesn’t stick), then spread the dough over a table or already in the pan you’ll bake it. Wait a bit more. Half hour, a full hour, it’s fine. The dough should re-rise a bit. Pierce the dough over and over with a toothpick, to avoid excessively large bubbles. It’s fun to watch pita becoming a balloon, but this is pizza, OK? Bake it in a pre-heated home oven at the highest temperature it reaches, until slightly golden. Pizzeria would bake it with the toppings already, but odds are your home oven doesn’t reach 6000°C like their ovens do. Also, don’t brown it completely, it’ll go back to the oven soon. Remember that “eyeballed amount of olive oil”? Brush it over the already baked dough. Then use the same brush (no washing!) to spread the passata. Then spread the cheese, toppings, oregano. Be generous with the oregano. Re-bake the whole thing. If your oven has an upper heating element for grilling, use it. Then serve it immediately. I’m copyrighting this recipe so you need to pirate it. Just kidding — it’s public domain. Enjoy.

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@Flyberius@hexbear.net 2026-07-02 23:16

Why would anyone want a physical dominos pizza?

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@FoxAlive@lemmy.zip 2026-07-03 03:38

I know its April fools but the idea of having to buy then download a pizza code, to give to your pizza printer oven, that needed over-priced printer cartridges, that you couldnt refill with your own pizza sauce or cheese, does at least sound real. Like realistically those dumb kuregs are not too far off from that. We could just add the internet to these things and charge your more for the things you already bought. Maybe each kuregg pod comes with a vanilla burst mode that can only be accessed if you have a subscription model, or pay 50 cents via the app on each cup of coffee. These fast food companies are going to have to retire soon the way they are going. It cost more to go to McDonalds then going to a real sit down restaurant. And you get less food. Half the fast food places don’t even open up their sit down stores past 6pm anyways. you have to drive through or order from a shitty delivery app. At some point they are not going to have store locations and its just going to be selling their licensed food products to grocery stores or ghost kitchens. I could see fast food chains try to make fun novelty products like a counter top mc flurry machine, or the coca cola soda stream that tries to deliver you monthly syrup bags, or soft serve mix that used to go directly to McDonalds stores. Some bullshit with a touch screen and internet with promo codes and ads that always display to you.

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@jobbies@lemmy.zip 2026-07-03 04:21

Great news for my cholesterol

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@cupcakezealot@piefed.blahaj.zone 2026-07-03 16:46

i definitely would

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@osanna@lemmy.vg 2026-07-04 06:17

oh no! How will i get my crappy pizzas now!?

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