← Feed

Posts

• View post

  most of being a homeowner is wondering ‘who the cuss do they think they are parking there??’ the rest is ignoring the word ‘meow’ in the middle

• View post

  [11:59 pm] STEVE MILLER: almost time to toke

• View post

  uncanny valley ranch

• View post

  ME, in a tank top: i wear my heart on my sleeve

• View post

  a shopping center for voids that is terrible is called an abysmal abyss mall

• View post

  [monarch butterfly flirting] let’s make this migration “ourgration”

• View post

  ME: this is so soft i wonder what it is made of MRS: alpaca fur ME: where are we going? is it cold?

• View post

  i cut in front of everyone to ask what kind of skates i should get and got told “get in line”

• View post

  i regret going out to eat with edward hopper this diner does not even seem to have a door

• View post

  ME: i’ll get that from the living room for you, babe {three seconds later} what the heck am i doing in the living room

• View post

  most mimes stick to the following code:

• View post

  i do not think the lines are real on flame grilled la croix

• View post

  the explorers planning their wedding have chosen a frontiered cake

• View post

  teenage mutant nin ja turtles are not such a good haiku topic

• View post

  blood type? no, my blood doesn’t do office tasks do you hear yourself

• View post

  babe where are you going i said i won’t do anymore sesame street puns those days are grover

• View post

  i ordered a medium roast coffee and the barista insulted a psychic

• View post

  [leaving a theater visibly upset] i thought it was going to be about someone who liked centipedes so much that people called them— never mind let’s just go home

• View post

  [greek soldier accidentally burning down the trojan horse from inside after playing with sparklers]

• View post

• View post

  covering my head with a napkin as i drink a la croix: ortolan

• View post

  you’re not my real wolf!! you’re just my steppenwolf!!

• View post

  “omg your shirt matches my crocs” he said as the date ended as soon as it began

• View post

  i might not be a trillionaire but my child loves me

• View post

  every gravy boat i have ever seen is lacking an anchor

• View post

  the owner always freaks out when i bring down the cool portrait i found in their attic

• View post

  S L O R P 👅🐕🖤 #dogsofmastodon

• View post

  i stole swords from my fencing club and i’m gonna sell the stolen goods with my fencing club

• View post

  you mess with the bull you get the horns. you mess with the goat you get the woodwinds. the horse has the string section and the rabbit is on percussion

• View post

  daytime television has the cleanest programming from all the soap operas