← Feed

Posts

• View post

  just a couple bats

• View post

  So, 70% of Musk’s net worth comes from SpaceX gov’t contracts, which he then uses to fund Republican election campaigns? What a nifty how-to guide for “converting” tax dollars into PAC money! As bold as buying Twitter using Saudi backing to manipulate elections with foreign cash. This ouroboros sucks!

• View post

  People ask what it takes to keep a 1000-year-old witch like me alive, then look shocked when I tell them I need 1 human baby sacrifice every moon cycle. But when you amortize the baby over a month, it’s barely anything. What’s a baby weigh…8 lb.s? That’s like a 1/4 lb. a day—that’s hardly any baby!

• View post

  A woman goes to a therapist. “Doctor,” she weeps, “I suck at public speaking!” “I’m a clinical social worker, not a doctor,” the therapist says. “And just go watch that footage of Katie Zacharia BOMBING—you’ll feel so much better about yourself haha.” The woman burst into tears. “But Doctor…!”

• View post

  ready for The Thing to infect me

• View post

  Eek! There’s a bat in my apartment!

• View post

  I love how we all have that food in our pantry we can’t bring ourselves to throw out but will never be like, “today’s your day to shine, 10-year-old can of white beans!”

• View post

  Measle Zappa

• View post

  You’ve been warned, parents.

• View post

  “You have to fight for your right to party?” No thank you, young beasty men, I wish only to dwell above the ceiling boards in an attic bedroom with many books and a magical cat.

• View post

  Today’s gonna be the day, The New Yorker!

• View post

  Bedbugs actually anesthetize you before biting so you won't wake up. Now sleep tight, and don't let…ah well, not much to be done there…

• View post

  I remembered “being inspired” and drafting a post in the middle of the night. When I woke up, I found this: Gordita Trebuchet vs Chalupa Catapult

• View post

  the mugger stares at me and starts slow-pumping out hand-sanitizer

• View post

  Silo

• View post

  Lady Gaga, at the Met Gala in a dress made of wasps, spots Björk wearing a hornets suit. Their eyes meet and gazes narrow. Billy Porter, stunning as a bejeweled hay stack, rolls across the red carpet.

• View post

  Ask your doctor if sinking into The Bog is right for you.

• View post

  Adding “premenstrual” to all my idioms: “I’m doing my premenstrual best.” “I’m at my premenstrual limit.”

• View post

  Why so many folks drowning at your beach, Baywatch? Seems like maybe an unaddressed systemic safety issue?

• View post

  sure, I type “lol” in every text message line, but in my defense, I need the laugh track please leave me my laugh track lol

• View post

  BARNEY MILLER: ✔️ ✔️✔️✔️ ✔️✔️✔️ ✔️✔️✔️✔️✔️✔️✔️✔️✔️✔️✔️

• View post

  Oh me? Just refreshing the air quality index site every minute for a time with slightly less sky poison so I can take my dog outside to shit without it being too “killy.”

• View post

  Targeted ads just decided this was the baseball cap for me!

• View post

  Wheel in the ground keeps on churning. “Meat,” it demands.

• View post

  RE: https://mastodon.online/@batkaren/116902640332343598 I assume there are Pokémon stuffed in the back of a ball that are never used, like Ash isn’t calling out, “I choose you, Jigglypuff!”

• View post

  Dear Mr. Kotter: Mitch won’t be attending Senate stuff for a while. Signed, McConnell’s Mother

• View post

  The year is 2276, the US quinquennial. AI Mitch McConnell enters the Senate and votes in accordance with his programming.

• View post

  “I’m so alone,” you say as a large array of terrestrial radio antenna dishes suddenly all spin to face you.

• View post

  Are you there, God? Will I ever be fancy enough to own a perfectly stocked tray of booze-filled crystal decanters in my living room, like in the soap operas?

• View post

  Happy Pride, but especially to my fellow queers who prefer to stay at home and don’t really like other people or loud noises and just want to feel a little Pride inside without “doing it up.”