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  America is the only country in the world that could bring in fascism and end up with worse trains

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  the east coast: I drew you a nice, hot bath me: in the bathtub? the east coast: in the air all around you :) the east coast: there is no escape :)

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  I love old-timey cocktail recipe books, they'll go "here's a light and refreshing drink, perfect for a summer afternoon" and then list off ingredients for a concoction that could melt clean through the hull of an ocean liner

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  A couple of months ago I thought “hey I wonder if I can write stupid jokes for the internet AND incredibly bleak poetry” and now I am both surprised and delighted to announce that my first published poem is out in issue #17 of The Ana

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  when I have to pretend I’m not sheltering John Oliver in my basement but the authorities can hear him yelling about rat erotica through the floorboards

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  thought the worst thing would be going about daily life while everyone just ignores the collapse of society but it turns out the actual worst thing is having 27 conversations per day that go “did you see the news alert? yeah, bleak times we live in. anyway, can you get this to me by Friday?”

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  if you say the words “wow I have a busy couple of weeks ahead of me”, even in your own head, every single one of your current Libby holds will descend upon you all at once like wolves on a limping deer

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  trying not to watch the news right now, I don’t want any spoilers for the book I’m reading

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  will never understand how Canadians became known for saying “eh” when we should be known for our ability to make the phase “okay buddy” mean everything from “of course I will give my life for yours” to “I am the drunkest man alive and I am going to fight you in this parking lot”

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  POV: you just ate a piece of cheese and your dog can smell it on your fingers

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  no one: some Disney exec in 1995: obviously children won’t understand the theme of architectural preservation in the original Hunchback of Notre Dame. so write a song about the corruption of religious power and sexual resentment disguised as piety. I’ll book the chamber choir.

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  5pm on November 1: let’s go for a walk, it’s still light out! 5pm on November 2: an early darkness blankets the land. Fallow fields lay bone-bleached by moonlight. The last memories of summer fade into oblivion. The last echoes of hope lapse into baleful silence.

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  I have taken the Tylenol that was in the medicine cabinet and which they think probably is the reason you like trains forgive me but that’s bullshit you got autism from your dad

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  I have eaten the brain that was in RFK Jr and which he was probably saving to run for President forgive me it was delicious and I am just a worm

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  dear diary, it has been 437 days since my husband disappeared under mysterious circumstances. alas, I am unable to inform the police, for I am a mere woman.

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  currently trapped inside due to the 907th severe weather alert of the year, so I decided to draw a comic about it

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  I actually don’t feel as fine as R.E.M. led me to believe I would

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  "why do you support your tax dollars going to subsidized daycare if you don't have kids" because if other people can't afford to have kids the only staff at my nursing home when I'm old will be a pill organizer scotch-taped to a roomba

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  I have tariffed the penguins that are on Heard Island and which you were probably assuming did not export goods forgive me they were taking advantage of us so cunning and so cold

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  daily Chinese news headline: Scientists grow the world’s first functional human spine replacement from a single drop of blood daily American news headline: White House declares that sunburns are caused by bees

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  the 4 types of national anthems: - Gosh, This Sure is an Attractive Piece of Land We've Got Here - That One War in Particular was a Doozy - We Only Sing Parts of This Song Now Because the Other Verses are Racist - We Speak French and We Will Fucking Kill You