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• Post #4450058

  It’s kind of frustrating when your partner schedules their mental collapse at the same time as yours.

• Post #4443177

  They should invent a shower that washes away all your anxiety and depression and leaves you at peace.

• Post #4346864

  Charles had already taken 20 minutes to make Rita’s footlong Black Forest Ham sandwich, but he didn’t care. This was what being an artisan was all about. Not only did he create what looked to be an actual black forest out of burnt whole wheat, but he created small pickle people in the forest, contemplating their existence in a world of ash. “I just want to eat,” pleaded Rita. “Oh, you’ll eat,” said Charles. “You’ll feast on disillusionment and ennui.” Charles’ eyes lit up with anticipation. “I...

• Post #4296847

  Reading military strategy books to learn how to get my dog to take his pill.

• Post #4220125

  One day there will be a religion based on U2 lyrics.

• Post #4219543

  At the end of this call you will have the opportunity to take a brief survey about your favorite dinosaur.

• Post #4218251

  It’s weird to wait to be taken to the waiting room. I’m on the wrong place for this!

• Post #4183723

  I went on a vision quest.* *saw the optomotrist.

• Post #4182921

  Misery loves Three’s Company.

• Post #4130685

  Remember to be kind, you dickhead.

• Post #4066569

  Let’s not stop at Jimothy. Why not Bobastian? Lenjamin Dantiago Calexander Leezekiel Or how about: Lizabella Meleanor Wrenelope Bosephine Isastella

• Post #4032921

  I don't mean to brag, but several people on LinkedIn have been SUPER impressed with my profile and have offered me some AMAZING opportunities to pay them.

• Post #4029190

  Philosophical debate: When does a pile of lettuce officially become a salad? 🥗

• Post #4005192

  Looking for laughter. What do you have?

• Post #4004077

  Feels like happiness is paywalled lately.

• Post #3947356

  For those of you with dogs: How do you keep your place from smelling like dog all the time? #Dogsofmastodon #Dogs

• Post #3924870

  Hot Yoga was invented by yoga studios that didn’t want to pay for air conditioning.

• Post #3912348

  You never hear about the World Plate or the World Silverware.

• Post #3894402

  I’m confused. So most people don’t have explosive diarrhea all the time?

• Post #3878573

  I’m not a doctor but I play one on the TV, which my wife hates because it usually breaks the TV and we have to buy a new one.

• Post #3860385

  In my probation notes my boss said she wants me to take a time management class…after she finally finished my probation notes a month and a half late. At least I passed I guess.

• Post #3683020

  It was kind of a small nightmare. More like a nightpony.

• Post #3680867

  More of this please. Orkestra Obsolete play Blue Monday using 1930s instruments - BBC Arts https://youtu.be/cHLbaOLWjpc?si=7me31kepJhadqISx

• Post #3652413

  Half of my job is just figuring out who is being an idiot. I'm constantly getting conflicting information from multiple people and then I get to play the game, "Who is correct?"

• Post #3584613

  America is 250 years old today and, like many seniors, it shows signs of memory problems, has fallen victim to scammers, and is struggling just to stay alive.

• Post #3582213

  Can’t wait to celebrate Jesus discovering America! Happy 4th! 🇺🇸

• Post #3509285

  RE: https://mastodon.social/@levelbot/116842235698409209 Most accurate post I’ve seen this week.

• Post #3414066

  We are all the goose. 🪿

• Post #3405346

  Better make a backup account to my backup account, just to be safe.

• Post #3317780

  What’s the WORST piece of advice you’ve ever been given or read?