← Feed

Posts

• View post

  BREAKING: FDA recalls all vegetables not currently serving in the US Senate

• View post

  “I feel the need, the need for meth” just doesn’t have the same ring to it

• View post

  I don’t know if heaven exists, but hell is real and we made it ourselves

• View post

  Cake Pop Demon Hunters is that anything

• View post

  Brought spices on a plane, call me a thyme traveler

• View post

  From the people that brought you “Moderate Enthusiasm” and “Somewhat Interested” comes

• View post

  I’m at the coooooooombination Dunkin’ Donuts Papa Gino’s

• View post

  This plushie is my spirit animal

• View post

  MY DAD: “You know what I’ve been doing when your mom goes to bed at like 10? I hop onto YouTube and watch drone tutorials and 3D printing videos. Even throw them up on the big TV and watch them.” ME: “Dad, it would have been less weird if you told me you just watched porn at that hour”

• View post

• View post

  BABYSITTER: Whatcha got there, little man? BABY HITMAN: A mystery mouseketool. *cocks pistol* It’s a surprise tool that can help us later

• View post

  In my defense, I didn’t think I’d make it this far

• View post

  Hammock! At the Disco

• View post

  I, too, talked with Mitch McConnell for 20 minutes

• View post

  BOXING TRAINER: Bob and weave! Bob and weave! ME, NOT YET COMFORTABLE ENOUGH AT THE BOXING GYM TO USE NICKNAMES: Robert and Weaver! Robert and Weaver!

• View post

  ME: Sorry, lost my self-driving car of thought for a second WIFE: Isn’t it “train of thought”? ME: *watches internally as the self-driving car of thought in my head runs over my inner child and spontaneously catches fire* ME: No.

• View post

  Don’t repeat the same mistakes Make newer, more bewildering mistakes

• View post

  We did it, America, we did the meme

• View post

  Are you hungry at 3 AM? Do you have too many teeth? Come to Waffle House and square up, motherfucker Waffle House: Your Pit Stop On The Road To Valhalla™

• View post

  I was hooked on phonics once. The withdrawals were brutal. Went completely nonverbal for a few weeks.

• View post

  I am a simple man If your restaurant’s menu has a burger that uses grilled cheeses as the burger bun, I’m going to fucking order it

• View post

  I really hope I never become lactose intolerant later in life If shitting my pants is the price I have to pay to eat ice cream, I’m worried that’s not enough of a deterrent

• View post

  “Say one good thing about this administration” Well I guess I no longer wonder what I’d do with the Death Note if I ever got it. That’s not nothing.

• View post

  Tired of being a Basic Bitch? Upgrade to Bitch+ for just $5.99/month

• View post

  The Woke Mob, but it’s just like the regular mob so they respect your pronouns or whatever when they bust your kneecaps for not paying them protection money

• View post

  FINANCIAL ADVICE, 2006: Take your leftover monthly income and invest it in a diversified market index and watch it grow over time FINANCIAL ADVICE, 2026: Bet on yourself winning games of Russian Roulette on Kalshi. It’s win-win!

• View post

  I hope someone in the Artemis crew shouted “CANNONBALL” just before splashdown

• View post

  If it’s your first orgy and you’re nervous just picture everybody clothed

• View post

  AI only seems useful if you’re used to being useless

• View post

  BROKE: Reading the card explains the card WOKE: Eating the card consumes the card