Post #3167940

I shouldnt exist even i my view. Let alone talking to people. i did disgusting stuff in the past. Inflicted hate and pain some experience it even now. all my open source and open data contributions i do thease days are voiceless and sometimes anonymous... if i do them at all. i dont like the whole "existing" thing ... i dont want to die because there are seeminly many who like the idea of "me". I dont want them to loose something they like. Its the only thing next to being afraid of death that keeps me here. I have therapy every day since 4 years and being 5 years in therapy in earlier life... 7 years therapy in total. Have been taking many drugs, perscribed and not. No change, most drugs make me sleepy but nothing more. i still see it the same as the therapy doesnt exist. the doctors now trying the "throw shit and see what sticks" method of therapy... they have no idea what to do after trying everything from Religous stuff to new medicine to Electroshocks. I am wasting their time. Am i just like that? A constant? I hate the idea of not changing, i am not changing, i hate "me" but i cant die.