Post #1613255

For the longest time, that one specific scene irked me with how it always stood out to me: the final showdown between Reed and V in front of the rocket to the moon, Songbird between them, mostly unconscious. It took me a while to understand why it stood out so much, even over every other moment. To me, it plays out the exact internal drama that kicked off my transition. Every character, a representation of me. Reed, the golem that was me. Paragon of the course that I followed so long, the logic that I had subjugated my life to. I wanted to be a parent so bad. I submitted myself to the belief that if I held on, believed the promises made, kept with the hand that I was dealt, ignoring one more violation of who and what I am, always the next one, would bring about my modest wish, end the endless liminal space I was trapped in. Just believe what I already knew to be lies a little longer in the hopes that a lie repeated often enough finally becomes truth, that playing a rigged game honestly will pay off in the end. Songbird, the future I once imagined to have. Now sick, dying if not dead, sometimes still stirring. Source of unimaginable power to pull through the next disgrace. But essentially, doomed to die never getting there, the eternal prospect of a potential unfulfilled. And V. Knowing that every betrayal already happened. Knowing that the promises will remain empty, that somehow prying open that next locked door will only reveal another locked door. That neither submission nor rebellion will ever pay off with what I want, but rebellion at least ends the everlasting promise. That rebellion will at least allow me to save a shred of dignity in being true to myself. That hope was already dead, and holding on would be submitting to the lie - again. And at the point where I pulled the trigger on my Golem, I needed to be beyond rage. Not give in to the baiting, the taunting, the sympathy of dubious quality. I simply needed to be me. I never regretted ending that life, even with everything that came after.