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#ihopejohnroberts

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msbellows
M.S. Bellows, Jr. @msbellows@c.im · Jul 14, 2026
Replying to @msbellows@c.im
#IHopeJohnRoberts is heavily invested in Oracle. https://medium.com/@fahey_james/oracle-just-got-downgraded-and-openai-is-the-reason-why-4c1841fae011
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msbellows
M.S. Bellows, Jr. @msbellows@c.im · Jul 15, 2026
Replying to @msbellows@c.im
Today #IHopeJohnRoberts has a meeting with Elena Kagan and Amy Coney Barrett to debrief their House testimony yesterday about Court security, and he tells them he's really grateful they're advocating for more security and asks whether any of the congresscritters commented on his recent experiences with something leaving dead, crushed rats on his doorstep, or him being detained on a mental health hold in a locked psychiatric facility over the 4th of July weekend without anyone on the Court staff noticing, or about about Alito and Thomas and Kavanaugh threatening him on behalf of a satanic Federalist cult apparently run by Leonard Leo, and as the two women sit there in absolutely stunned silence he remembers that he hasn't actually told anyone about any of these things and so they couldn't have shared them with Congress or gotten him any more security but now they do know and he wonders what will happen to him next, and he decides that since the Court is on summer recess anyway it's probably a really really good time to just get the fuck out of Dodge, and he stands up while they're still sitting there, leaves the building, and goes home before they can call anyone else to get involved. https://rollcall.com/2026/07/14/supreme-court-justices-emphasize-need-for-security-funding
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msbellows
M.S. Bellows, Jr. @msbellows@c.im · Jul 03, 2026
Replying to on c.im
Today I hope that when John Roberts wakes up in his small locked room at the Psychiatric Institute of Washington the orderlies speak to him in those artificially soothing voices adults use with small children and frightened animals and all he gets for breakfast is a harmless porridge but then fairly promptly he is taken to a staff psychiatrist for the interview required by District of Columbia Code §21-522 and the psychiatrist quickly realizes who he is and apologizes that no one has recognized him earlier, and then explains that by law they do need to complete the interview for form's sake, and Roberts understands that so the doctor asks whether he's been under any stress lately and with a tangible, almost physical feeling of catharsis Roberts says "oh my God yes!" and because he's been so so lonely and it's really nice to talk with someone he shares all the things that have been stressing him out including his emotion-driven drunk driving incident and all the dead rats and Alito and Thomas in dark robes threatening him ritually with candles and yet another dead rat and by the end of the interview, yeah, you got it, the doctor says, "I'm very sorry, Mr. Chief Justice, I really don't want to do this, but I really have no choice but to keep you here a while longer for your own safety," and promises he'll try to contact someone to arrange a private outpatient provider but also warns that because it's a holiday weekend it may take longer than usual. #IHopeJohnRoberts
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msbellows
M.S. Bellows, Jr. @msbellows@c.im · Jul 04, 2026
Replying to @msbellows@c.im
I hope that when John Roberts wakes up this morning in his small bed in his small locked room in the psychiatric facility where he's been referred for a mental health evaluation (see above), he remembers it's July 4th and really hopes he can get out today so he can celebrate with friends like usual, but then he remembers that actually these days he has few or no friends, especially since Clarence Thomas and Sam Alito went feral on him (also see above), and then when the orderly comes to let him out he asks whether the facility has managed to reach anyone to arrange his release to a private provider, and the orderly checks the chart and says that they've called Roberts' emergency contact, his wife, but that she hasn't answered the calls, which John knows probably is because she's still overseas with her pelvic health physiotherapist (id.), which means actually no one knows he's been locked up and no one is arranging for his release on this holiday weekend and he's going to spend America's 250th anniversary in a psychiatric facility, but on the bright side the orderly has gaily decorated his porridge this morning with some fun stripes of red and blue icing and a tiny paper flag (with only 25 stars and 11 stripes because it's small). #IHopeJohnRoberts #July4 #July4th #250th
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msbellows
M.S. Bellows, Jr. @msbellows@c.im · Jul 05, 2026
Replying to @msbellows@c.im
This morning #IHopeJohnRoberts is allowed to join the other patients in the common room for a group therapy session where a man who believes he's Tsar Nicholas and a woman who's sure she's really a space kitty temporarily in human form listen attentively to him explain that he's the chief justice of the United States and reassure him that they believe him, and then they're all served a surprisingly tasty meat loaf with mashed potatoes and green beans for lunch, and then he plays a couple games of backgammon with a very nice person of indeterminate gender who thinks Roberts is one of the orderlies and keeps calling him "sir," and honestly it's one of the most collegial, pleasant days he's had in a long time and he sort of hopes they don't release him too soon, but then the facility administrator comes in accompanied by the girl U.S. Marshal from the Court's protective detail and he realizes that instead of getting to keep hanging out with his undemanding new friends he instead has to go back to his lonely big house tonight and then tomorrow he'll have to return to work with assholes like Alito and Thomas, and it makes him sad.
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msbellows
M.S. Bellows, Jr. @msbellows@c.im · Jul 06, 2026
Replying to @msbellows@c.im
#IHopeJohnRoberts dreamed he was still in the psychiatric facility playing backgammon with his new friend and was sad when he woke up because he wasn't, so when he got to work he asked Brett Kavanaugh if he'd like to play a game with him but Kavanaugh just looked darkly at him (which wasn't actually all that dark because of his baby face) then undid one button of his shirt to reveal the inverted Federalist Society medallion he was wearing between his moobs against his weirdly babysmooth chest skin and muttered "SHAME!" just like Alito and Thomas did a few days ago, and honestly after everything that's been happening lately Roberts doesn't have enough cortisol left to really feel fear anymore so instead he just feels left out that Leonard Leo never invited him to join his cult.
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msbellows
M.S. Bellows, Jr. @msbellows@c.im · Jul 07, 2026
Replying to @msbellows@c.im
Last night #IHopeJohnRoberts had an erotic dream about Justice Amy Coney Barrett and look we're all grownups here it's normal to have erotic dreams and honestly she is an attractive woman and anyway all law students quickly learn that an Undergrad 6 is a Lawyer 9, so he wakes up this morning not at all ashamed and it adds a small, slightly erotic, but not at all creepy frisson of amusement to his previously-scheduled conference with her later this morning, until he suddenly and vividly remembers that part of the dream was her fully dressed in a leather catsuit while he was naked except for wearing his own wife's brassiere and Barrett kept demanding that he worship her feet and that he had really enjoyed that part, so the rest of his meeting with her feels a little awkward.
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msbellows
M.S. Bellows, Jr. @msbellows@c.im · Jul 08, 2026
Replying to @msbellows@c.im
After reading Trump's lawyers' latest brief trying to avoid paying the E. Jean Carroll judgment on the ground that sexual slanders uttered while president are "official acts" and therefore immune under the decision Roberts himself wrote, #IHopeJohnRoberts can't fall asleep tonight because he realizes that the blowjobs Bill Clinton received from Monica Lewinski arguably were constitutionally protected because they occurred just outside the Oval Office.
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msbellows
M.S. Bellows, Jr. @msbellows@c.im · Jul 09, 2026
Replying to @msbellows@c.im
#IHopeJohnRoberts realizes today that Mitch McConnell's probably never gonna pay him back the $3 he borrowed to buy lunch back in 1984.
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msbellows
M.S. Bellows, Jr. @msbellows@c.im · Jul 10, 2026
Replying to @msbellows@c.im
I woke up today feeling a bit lost and depressed and unmotivated, so #IHopeJohnRoberts woke up today feeling a whole lot lost and depressed and unmotivated.
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msbellows
M.S. Bellows, Jr. @msbellows@c.im · Jul 11, 2026
Replying to @msbellows@c.im
Today #IHopeJohnRoberts is sad about Firefighter Johnny Gage dying, just like I am. #Emergency #KMG365 https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/randolph-mantooth-played-medic-nbcs-emergency-dies-80-rcna404688
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msbellows
M.S. Bellows, Jr. @msbellows@c.im · Jul 12, 2026
Replying to @msbellows@c.im
Today #IHopeJohnRoberts is remembering that when he was first nominated to the Supreme Court Lindsey Graham called him "solid" and predicted he would "interpret the law and not legislate from the bench," and even though he wasn't good friends with Graham or anything he still feels bad because he knows neither of those things has turned out to be true. https://www.lgraham.senate.gov/public/index.cfm/2005/7/post-93f179bf-2d8b-400d-9fe8-33e7a456071b
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msbellows
M.S. Bellows, Jr. @msbellows@c.im · Jul 13, 2026
Replying to @msbellows@c.im
#IHopeJohnRoberts is feeling lost today because the Court officially is in recess and most of the justices and their staff are away on vacations and he had some plans to spend a week on Martha's Vineyard with his wife but she hasn't communicated with him at all for, what, a couple of months now? and he considered just going to Martha's Vineyard by himself but that would be lonely and besides, she's the one who made the reservations and he has no idea how to even access them and also he's a little worried about getting Dershowitzed by the locals.
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msbellows
M.S. Bellows, Jr. @msbellows@c.im · Jun 30, 2026
Replying to @msbellows@c.im
I hope that today, as John Roberts is sitting alone in his chambers feeling a little bit good and even principled for joining the liberals in several different decisions opposed to the far right, his door opens just a crack and a black-gloved hand reaches in and turns off the light switch, and then Clarence Thomas and Samuel Alito come in holding candles, closing the door behind them, both clad in dark crimson robes and wearing garlands made of animal teeth suspending hematite medallions inlaid with an upside-down "F" over a stylized carving of Leonard Leo's face, and then they chant together, "SHAME! SHAME! YOU HAVE DEFILED THE BROTHERHOOD!" and then Alito places a dead rat on his desk as they leave, and for the first time since he took office Roberts actually feels scared, genuinely, profoundly scared, so he leaves work early and when he gets home he discovers another dead rat lying on his doorstep that he didn't see yesterday, swollen in DC's current hot humid weather, covered with metallic green flies. #IHopeJohnRoberts
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msbellows
M.S. Bellows, Jr. @msbellows@c.im · Jun 27, 2026
Replying to @msbellows@c.im
Today I hope the tape on John Roberts' home telephone answering machine breaks and he's worried he'll miss his wife's call even though she's been incommunicado for about a month, so he spends three hours today visiting store after store in an Uber (because his license hasn't been restored yet) unable to find those little plastic micro cassettes and he wonders what other people do when their answering machine tapes break and thinking maybe, I don't know, some sort of digital alternative might be a cool new invention, and then he realizes that she might have called while he was out looking and he wouldn't know, and he's trying to understand why his life just sucks so much because he's been a good man, hasn't he, God, hasn't he been a good man? #IHopeJohnRoberts
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msbellows
M.S. Bellows, Jr. @msbellows@c.im · Jun 28, 2026
Replying to @msbellows@c.im
Today I hope someone tells John Roberts that his absent wife has opened an account on some new social media thing called Mastodon and they send him a link and he opens it but the post makes no sense because it's just something about a goose adding value and he's not sure why her account isn't @JaneRoberts but rather @SullivanIsFinallyAwake, and also what the heck is kolektiva.social? #IHopeJohnRoberts
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msbellows
M.S. Bellows, Jr. @msbellows@c.im · Jun 29, 2026
Replying to @msbellows@c.im
John Roberts just joined with the liberal justices to allow states (including mine) to count late-arriving vote-by-mail ballots, and also the Court let E. Jean Carroll's $5 million judgment against Trump stand, so today #IHopeJohnRoberts doesn't notice the dead rat (the fourth? fifth?) lying on his doormat as he leaves for work this morning, and so has a better day than he otherwise would have had. https://apnews.com/article/supreme-court-mailed-ballots-trump-elections-5f24f718ea92a33838485ce6302e079e
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msbellows
M.S. Bellows, Jr. @msbellows@c.im · Apr 30, 2026
Replying to @msbellows@c.im
My meanest #IHopeJohnRoberts to date, for good reason: This morning I hope John Roberts can't find any matched pairs of socks because his Black housekeeper hid one sock from every pair before she left yesterday, and then that on his way to work this morning he stopped at a drive-through for coffee and his Black barista put seven pink packets of saccharine in it instead of two sugars and then the Supreme Court building's Black doorman noticed he had dog slobber on his pants and didn't tell him and then today he goes out for lunch and the Black cook spits in his gumbo and then his waiter does too and this evening on his way home he stops for a cocktail with a friend and his Black bartender slyly pisses just a little in his Manhattan and the white ally cocktail waitress adds a cherry she dropped on the floor and things like this keep happening all day today and every single other day for the rest of his privileged, racist, godforsaken life, right up to the very end when his immigrant Latina ICU nurse will see he has soiled himself in bed and just ignores it and leaves him festering in his own shit for three more hours and that's how he passes away. John Roberts’ effort to gut the Voting Rights Act is complete | CNN Politics https://www.cnn.com/2026/04/30/politics/john-roberts-voting-rights-act-race-protections
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msbellows
M.S. Bellows, Jr. @msbellows@c.im · May 01, 2026
Replying to @msbellows@c.im
Today I hope Ketanji Brown Jackson sees John Roberts' coffee mug sitting briefly unattended and spits in it too, just like all those other people did yesterday and even more people will do tomorrow. #IHopeJohnRoberts
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msbellows
M.S. Bellows, Jr. @msbellows@c.im · May 02, 2026
Replying to @msbellows@c.im
Today I hope when John Roberts wakes up his wife isn't in bed with him and her car is gone and he realizes they haven't made love for months and it suddenly hits him that, with her being gone a lot lately, and the way she keeps biting back criticisms of him, and her attendance at #NoKings protests, and especially her face last week when she learned about his ruling destroying the Civil Rights Act – with all that, it hits him that their tradition of making tender love on Saturday mornings may be gone forever and he may never get to softly stroke her smooth, strong, beautiful, familiar body ever, ever again. #IHopeJohnRoberts
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