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• Post #4500285

  New DNC Fundraising Email Urges Voters To Find Something Better To Do With Their Money WASHINGTON—Pleading with recipients to use their hard-earned cash more productively, a Democratic National Committee fundraising email sent out Thursday urged voters to find something better to do with their money. “There are so many incredible things you can put your money toward that are m… #theonion https://theonion.com/new-dnc-fundraising-email-urges-voters-to-find-something-better-to-do-with-their-money/

• Post #4436085

  Antichrist Rolls Eyes Throughout  Peter Thiel Lecture ROME—In addition to crossing his arms and shaking his head as he listened to the tech billionaire spread blatant misinformation about the End Times, the Antichrist reportedly rolled his eyes Monday throughout a lecture given by Peter Thiel. “This second-rate charlatan doesn’t know the first goddamn thing about my plans to bring widespread doom,” said the […… #theonion https://theonion.com/antichrist-rolls-eyes-throughout-peter-thiel-lecture/

• Post #4435794

  Everyone Needs To Calm   Down, Reports Man Who Accidentally Shot Someone CLARKTON, NC—Stressing the need to get a grip and think clearly for a second, local man Ryan Kruze, who had just accidentally shot someone, reportedly urged all the people around him on Friday to calm down. “Okay, everyone, let’s just take a deep breath and pull ourselves together,” said Kruze, who, after discharging his … #theonion https://theonion.com/everyone-needs-to-calm-down-reports-man-who-accidentally-shot-someone/

• Post #4380115

  Rep. Max Miller: ‘I Refuse To Resign Over What My Wife Made Me Do’ The post Rep. Max Miller: ‘I Refuse To Resign Over What My Wife Made Me Do’ appeared first on The Onion. #theonion https://theonion.com/rep-max-miller-i-refuse-to-resign-over-what-my-wife-made-me-do/

• Post #4379833

  U.S. Instates Military Wife Draft WASHINGTON—Pledging to do everything in his power to ensure the mental and physical needs of his troops were being fulfilled, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced Thursday that the United States had officially instated a military wife draft.  Hegseth told reporters that given the “abysmal” numbers of Americans who voluntarily enlisted to wed U.S. soldiers, he […] The post U.S. Instates Milita… #theonion https://theonion.com/u-s-instates-military-wife-draft/

• Post #4379208

  Technological Advancements Allow Data Centers To Run On Even More Electricity SAN FRANCISCO—Hailing rapid developments in the infrastructure needed to support artificial intelligence, OpenAI CEO Sam Altman announced Tuesday that technological advancements were now allowing data centers to run on even more electricity. “People said we were using an unacceptable amount of power, and with… #theonion https://theonion.com/technological-advancements-allow-data-centers-to-run-on-even-more-electricity/

• Post #4376758

  Stella Leonard Park ranger Stella Leonard, 37, succumbed to her injuries Thursday after being mauled by a tourist. The post Stella Leonard appeared first on The Onion. #theonion https://theonion.com/stella-leonard/

• Post #4359866

  Power-Mad Marvel Claims ‘Night At The Roxbury’ Part Of MCU BURBANK, CA—In a bold and shameless effort to expand their growing reach in the film industry, power-mad Marvel Studios executives claimed Friday that A Night At The Roxbury was part of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. “The Eurodance-loving crime fighters are an iconic superhero duo who have long been a fixture of the MCU, delighting our audiences […… #theonion https://theonion.com/power-mad-marvel-claims-night-at-the-roxbury-part-of-mcu/

• Post #4277683

  Elon Musk: ‘Revenge Porn Is A Human Right’ The post Elon Musk: ‘Revenge Porn Is A Human Right’ appeared first on The Onion. #theonion https://theonion.com/elon-musk-revenge-porn-is-a-human-right/

• Post #4254891

  Translator Of Original ‘Minions’ Epic Poem Slams ‘Sexless, Bloodless’ Film Adaptation PHILADELPHIA—In a 4,500-word essay published in Harper’s Magazine, Emily Wilson, known for her popular translation of the Minions epic poem, blasted the latest film Thursday as a “sexless, bloodless” adaptation. “The first line of my translation is ‘Tell me about a kooky Minion,’ but the Minions in… #theonion https://theonion.com/translator-of-original-minions-epic-poem-slams-sexless-bloodless-film-adaptation/

• Post #4244688

  Object Permanence Kicks In Just In Time For Dad To Leave The post Object Permanence Kicks In Just In Time For Dad To Leave appeared first on The Onion. #theonion https://theonion.com/object-permanence-kicks-in-just-in-time-for-dad-to-leave/

• Post #4225274

  Grave Concerns The post Grave Concerns appeared first on The Onion. #theonion https://theonion.com/grave-concerns/

• Post #4177864

  Pharmaceutical Ad Urges Viewers To Fight Doctors Who Say Drug Not Right For Them NORTH CHICAGO, IL—Emphasizing that potential users of the drug should never take no for an answer, a Skyrizi ad that began airing nationally Tuesday encourages viewers to fight any doctors who say the medication is not right for them. “Consult your doctor before taking Skyrizi, and if your doctor advise… #theonion https://theonion.com/pharmaceutical-ad-urges-viewers-to-fight-doctors-who-say-drug-not-right-for-them/

• Post #4144367

  Profits Soar As Taylor Farms Rebrands As Biological Weapons Manufacturer The post Profits Soar As Taylor Farms Rebrands As Biological Weapons Manufacturer appeared first on The Onion. #theonion https://theonion.com/profits-soar-as-taylor-farms-rebrands-as-biological-weapons-manufacturer/

• Post #4090503

  Everyone In Oval Office Meeting Currently In Some Stage Of Stroke The post Everyone In Oval Office Meeting Currently In Some Stage Of Stroke appeared first on The Onion. #theonion https://theonion.com/everyone-in-oval-office-meeting-currently-in-some-stage-of-stroke/

• Post #4039301

  ‘That’s All I’m Saying,’ Repeats Man Who Keeps Saying More Stuff The post ‘That’s All I’m Saying,’ Repeats Man Who Keeps Saying More Stuff appeared first on The Onion. #theonion https://theonion.com/thats-all-im-saying-repeats-man-who-keeps-saying-more-stuff/

• Post #4038737

  Study: Majority Of Americans Would Benefit From Decreased Phone Use During Sex WASHINGTON—Shedding light on the negative effects of excessive screen time, a new study from Georgetown University published Thursday found that most Americans would benefit from cutting down on phone use during sex. “New data suggests setting down your phone during intercourse can positively impact your lif… #theonion https://theonion.com/study-majority-of-americans-would-benefit-from-decreased-phone-use-during-sex/

• Post #4014285

  Overbearing Girlfriend Expects Man To Take Feelings In Head, Use Words To Say Them Into World BOSTON—Struggling to come to grips with the unreasonable demands, local man Gerald Ullman told reporters Wednesday that his overbearing girlfriend was expecting him to take the feelings in his head and use words to say them into the world. “I just don’t get what she means when s… #theonion https://theonion.com/overbearing-girlfriend-expects-man-to-take-feelings-in-head-use-words-to-say-them-into-world/

• Post #3991198

  Mike Johnson Struggles To Hold Speaker Gavel While Wearing Anti-Masturbation Mitts WASHINGTON—Apologizing to his fellow congressmen after he fumbled the wooden handle for the fifth time in a row, Speaker of the House Mike Johnson was observed struggling to hold his speaker gavel Tuesday while wearing anti-masturbation mitts. “The House will come to order—oops, hold on, one minute,… #theonion https://theonion.com/mike-johnson-struggles-to-hold-speaker-gavel-while-wearing-anti-masturbation-mitts/

• Post #3973515

  Parents Sit Kids Down For Difficult Discussion About Moving To Ad Tier PITTSBURGH—Attempting to soften the blow with a promise to go out for ice cream later, local parents Dylan and Olivia Barnes reportedly sat their children down Monday for a difficult discussion about moving to the ad tier. “I know change is hard, but Mommy and Daddy had a long and serious talk, and we think […] The post Pa… #theonion https://theonion.com/parents-sit-kids-down-for-difficult-discussion-about-moving-to-ad-tier/

• Post #3967147

  ‘No Bars Can Hold Me,’ Says Andrew Tate Entering 9th Hour Of Trying To Pry Open Cell MIAMI—Confined to a federal detention center in Florida and facing extradition to the U.K. on multiple charges of human trafficking and rape, social media influencer Andrew Tate was reportedly heard to exclaim, “No bars can hold me!” this weekend as he entered his ninth consecutive hour of trying t… #theonion https://theonion.com/no-bars-can-hold-me-says-andrew-tate-entering-9th-hour-of-trying-to-pry-open-cell/

• Post #3960339

  Trump Insists Frequent Naps Necessary To Protect U.S. Interests In Dreamland WASHINGTON—Vehemently defending his controversial closed-eye moments, President Donald Trump insisted Monday that his frequent naps were necessary to protect U.S. interests in Dreamland. “It may be hard to tell from where you’re sitting, but trust me, I’m not taking it easy in Dreamland,” said the 80-year-old Tr… #theonion https://theonion.com/trump-insists-frequent-naps-necessary-to-protect-u-s-interests-in-dreamland/

• Post #3888378

  Mitch McConnell Clarifies Absence Due To Brief Planned Trip To Afterlife WASHINGTON—Explaining that the public had no reason to be alarmed over his temporary leave, Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY) clarified Friday that his absence from Congress was due to a brief planned trip to the afterlife. “While I understand people’s concern, I’ve simply been on a routine visit to the next world,” said the… #theonion https://theonion.com/mitch-mcconnell-clarifies-absence-due-to-brief-planned-trip-to-afterlife/

• Post #3865901

  Riot Police Excitedly Crouch Behind Armored Vehicle Like Group Of 3-Year-Olds About To Perform Ballet LOS ANGELES—Bunching together with nervous energy and dolled up in matching gear, a group of riot police crouched excitedly behind an armored vehicle like 3-year-olds about to begin a ballet recital, witnesses confirmed Thursday. Several reports indicated that t… #theonion https://theonion.com/riot-police-excitedly-crouch-behind-armored-vehicle-like-group-of-3-year-olds-about-to-perform-ballet/

• Post #3862268

  Public Begs Mitch McConnell To Stop Releasing Photos Of Himself WASHINGTON—In an emotional press conference driven by fear and desperation, the American public begged Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY) on Thursday to stop releasing photos of himself. “If you’re listening, Sen. McConnell, please—we’ve had enough,” said a spokesperson for 340 million Americans across the country, who emphasized that they did… #theonion https://theonion.com/public-begs-mitch-mcconnell-to-stop-releasing-photos-of-himself/

• Post #3833324

  Matt Damon Defends Dunkin’ Product Placement In Nolan’s ‘Odyssey’ BROOKLYN, NY—Explaining that the prominent iced coffees and chocolate-glazed Munchkins were essential to director Christopher Nolan’s adaptation of the ancient Greek epic, actor Matt Damon defended Tuesday the placement of Dunkin’ Donuts products in the upcoming film The Odyssey. “Look—for a voyage that long, you’d need 50 sausage, egg,… #theonion https://theonion.com/matt-damon-defends-dunkin-product-placement-in-nolans-odyssey/

• Post #3785451

  ‘Time To Become Immortal,’ Announces RFK Jr., Exposing Perineum Atop Solar Tower SAN BERNARDINO COUNTY, CA—Tugging down his blue jeans as tens of thousands of heliostat mirrors angled the noonday sun in his direction, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. was reportedly overheard saying “Time to become immortal” Monday while he exposed his perineum atop the Ivanpah 2 … #theonion https://theonion.com/time-to-become-immortal-announces-rfk-jr-exposing-perineum-atop-solar-tower/

• Post #3724698

  GOP Allies Claim They Met With Mitch McConnell Inside Body Bag WASHINGTON—Relieved that their colleague appeared to be the very same man they’d known for years, allies of Sen. Mitch McConnell told reporters Friday they had recently met with the seven-term Kentucky Republican inside a body bag. “Like so many Americans, we had our concerns about Mitch, but when the technician unzipped that vinyl pouch … #theonion https://theonion.com/gop-allies-claim-they-met-with-mitch-mcconnell-inside-body-bag/

• Post #3721845

  World Cup Reinvigorates Nation’s Interest In Kicking Things WASHINGTON—Having been provided with a powerful reminder that legs were not merely for standing around on, millions of Americans confirmed Friday that the World Cup had reinvigorated their interest in kicking things. “Seeing all these guys kicking balls on TV has really opened my eyes to how satisfying it is to swing your legs around […] The pos… #theonion https://theonion.com/world-cup-reinvigorates-nations-interest-in-kicking-things/

• Post #3684468

  TJ Maxx Adds Meat FRAMINGHAM, MA—In an effort to provide customers with an ever-wider variety of merchandise at steep discounts, executives at TJ Maxx announced Tuesday that the off-price retail chain had begun selling meat in all of its stores. Visits to multiple TJ Maxx locations confirmed that alongside their usual offerings of clothing, footwear, and home decor, the […] The post TJ Maxx Adds Meat appeared first on The Onion. #theonion https://theonion.com/tj-maxx-adds-meat/