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  LOS ANGELES — Descendents fans lucky enough to attend the band’s recent show at the Hollywood Palladium were treated to a brand... Read more nonsense The post Descendents Appeal To Aging Fanbase With New Song ‘Milo Goes to Bed Before 10’ appeared first on HARDTIMES.

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  LOS ANGELES — In light of recently resurfaced sexual misconduct accusations against Jared Leto involving underage girls, the band 30 Seconds to... Read the full masterpiece The post ’30 Seconds to Mars’ Renames Self to ’18 Years to Consent’ as Helpful Reminder to Singer  appeared first on HARDTIMES.

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  MODESTO, Calif. — A local woman on her boyfriend’s shoulders was really wreaking havoc in the pit at a recent punk show,... Read more nonsense The post Woman on Boyfriend’s Shoulders Really Fucking Everyone Up in Pit appeared first on HARDTIMES.

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  DENVER — Local man Scott Bumstead died this week, following a brief battle with living fast, leaving behind what has been described... Continue this tale The post Man Who Lived Fast, Died Young Leaves Surprisingly Ugly Corpse appeared first on HARDTIMES.

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  WASHINGTON — In a stunning upset to rumors that he was dying, if not already dead, Senator Mitch McConnell appeared in public... Continue this tale The post Plot Twist: Shirtless, Jacked Mitch McConnell Emerges From Seclusion “Ready To Fuck” appeared first on HARDTIMES.

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  Fuck. Why the fuck would your aunt be calling you? Fuck. Someone’s dead. Someone is fucking dead. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Why... Read the full masterpiece The post Uh Oh: Your Aunt Is Calling You, Someone’s Definitely Dead appeared first on HARDTIMES.

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  PATCHOGUE, N.Y. — Jake Stamberg of local metal outfit A Stance Defiant borrowed fellow drummer Michael Fleisher’s drum throne only to line... Read more nonsense The post Drummer Using Other Band’s Drum Throne Lines It With Toilet Paper appeared first on HARDTIMES.

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  RENO, Nev. — Scrunching her nose while emptying sacks of old cash into the Pepperball Casino’s bins, Blackjack dealer Marie Newman did... Get the full story The post Casino Throws Out Old Money at End of Day appeared first on HARDTIMES.

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  FIJI — CBS’s next season of “Survivor” will award the winner with $1 million and the opportunity to remain in the Fijian... Read more nonsense The post Winner of Next ‘Survivor’ Season Gets To Stay on Island Away From America   appeared first on HARDTIMES.

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  Aren’t nepo babies the absolute worst? We were all told we could achieve our dreams if we worked hard and believed in... Read more nonsense The post We Sat Down With Failed Nepo Baby Jesus Christ appeared first on HARDTIMES.

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  MINNEAPOLIS — A one-year-old tabby named Paulie turned down nearly all forms of cat food offered to him, opting instead to partake... Read the full masterpiece The post Picky Cat Will Only Chew on Cords Plugged Into Walls appeared first on HARDTIMES.

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  WATERTOWN, Mass. — Local privileged layabout Tyler Blake regularly asks friends if they’re free to hang out during normal working hours, according... Read the full masterpiece The post Friend Who Doesn’t Work Wants To Know If You’re Free Tuesday at 2:00 p.m. appeared first on HARDTIMES.

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  LANSING, Mich. — Local murderer Larry Vance let out an annoyed sigh at a number of news stories’ description of the just-uncovered... Get the full story The post Murderer Annoyed To See News Stories Call Grave He Dug ‘Shallow’ appeared first on HARDTIMES.

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  GETTYSBURG, Pa. — Local sound guy and part-time sadist Rick Smithston recently made life a whole hell of a lot easier for... Read the full masterpiece The post Karaoke Night Sound Guy Rigs Mic To Electrocute Anyone Who Tries To Hit the Falsetto in ‘Take on Me’ appeared first on HARDTIMES.

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  Ahhh, “Real Sex”. Remember that show? No? Well, you just weren’t lucky enough to have Comcast randomly gift your household a free... Continue this tale The post The Five Most Horrifying Naked People I Saw on “Real Sex” During That Free Weekend of HBO I Got in 1999 appeared first on HARDTIMES.

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  WASHINGTON — Robert F. Kennedy Jr. recently learned that, after spending some time on select Reddit threads, eating pussy is a reference... Read the full masterpiece The post RFK Jr. Learns Eating Pussy a Sex Thing, Not a Dead Cat Thing appeared first on HARDTIMES.

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  AUSTIN, Texas — Local sex worker Alyx Cline revealed this week that the public has a wildly inaccurate understanding of her profession’s... Read the full masterpiece The post Hardest Part of Sex Worker’s Job Is Pretending Tony Hinchcliffe’s Punches Hurt appeared first on HARDTIMES.

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  LITTLE ROCK, Ark. — Local 6’4” man Kyle Beebe is reportedly convinced that the bass player for touring band Skab Kickers is... Continue reading this gem The post Tall Guy at Local Show Pretty Sure Female Bass Player in Love With Him After Two Instances of Accidental Eye Contact appeared first on HARDTIMES.

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  Hey man, I’ve noticed some things about you since you moved to Vegas. For one, you’ve completely shaved your head, and I’m... Read the full masterpiece The post Opinion: Legally, You Have To Tell Me if You’re a Member of the Blue Man Group if I Ask appeared first on HARDTIMES.

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  DES MOINES, Iowa — Highly decorated Eagle Scout Jeff Bronson was excited to finally put his knot tying skills to use as... Continue reading this gem The post Eagle Scout Finally Putting Knot Tying Skills To Use as Shibari Instructor appeared first on HARDTIMES.

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  If you’re fortunate enough to have never heard of anti-trans activist Riley Gaines, she is a former collegiate swimmer who came in... Get the full story The post We Sat Down With Anti-Trans Swimmer Riley Gaines To Find Out What Other Sports She Fucking Sucks At appeared first on HARDTIMES.

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  RALEIGH, N.C. — Local procurement specialist Will Abbott revealed that he spent nearly an entire afternoon skimming the rules, players, and developing... Continue this tale The post Co-Worker Who Started Watching Soccer Last Week Already Knows Enough to Mansplain appeared first on HARDTIMES.

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  Ah, reading. Some of us pretend to do it at home. Some of us pretend to do it for book club. And... Continue reading this gem The post Five Books You Must Pretend To Read in Public Before You Die appeared first on HARDTIMES.

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  WASHINGTON — News that Sen. Mitch McConnell was found unconscious after suffering a severe heart attack in his Washington, D.C. home has... Continue this tale The post BREAKING: Mitch McConnell Apparently Has a Heart appeared first on HARDTIMES.

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  Oh, so you’re a big Guided By Voices fan? A scholar of the Pollardverse? Fuck off. Unless you can name me three... Get the full story The post Oh, You’re a Guided by Voices Fan? Name Three DUI Checkpoints in Western Ohio appeared first on HARDTIMES.

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  LANSING, Mich. — After wrapping up a set of press exercises, local gym-goer Dan Chambers set to work wiping away the sweat... Continue this tale The post Thoughtful Gym-Goer Wipes Equipment Down Until Nothing Left appeared first on HARDTIMES.

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  OXFORD, N.C. — American Spirit is set to be the first tobacco brand to capitalize on the protein-boosting craze, according to a... Get the full story The post American Spirit Introduces Protein-Boosted Cigarette appeared first on HARDTIMES.

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  You know Snoopy, the universally beloved figure from everyone’s childhood who brings joy and whimsy to all. Well, think again! This bastard... Read the full masterpiece The post Opinion: Snoopy Is Kind of a Dick for Wasting Housing appeared first on HARDTIMES.

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  Greetings peons! The time has come once again for us to talk about the taxpayer’s wasted dollar! As a concerned citizen and... Get the full story The post Opinion: I’ll Say What We’re All Thinking: It’s Time To Privatize the Fire Department appeared first on HARDTIMES.

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  LOS ANGELES — Imagine Dragons announced their upcoming nationwide tour would include supporting acts featuring the Wiggles and legendary children’s singer Raffi,... Read the full masterpiece The post Imagine Dragons Tap the Wiggles and Raffi To Open on Upcoming Tour  appeared first on HARDTIMES.