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  Just got 30 minutes of cardiovascular exercise trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor. #jokeoftheday #homegym

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  Can’t believe they fired me from the clock factory after all the extra hours I put in #jokeoftheday #industrialrelations

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  My teacher told me not to worry about spelling as there’ll always be spellcheck - for which I am eternally grapefruit. #jokeoftheday #moderntech

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  Q: my son has been eating electrical cable, what should I do? A: ground him until he conducts himself properly #jokeoftheday #dadjoke #classicjoke

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  Owl (in profile) (2026) #art #mastoart #acryliconboard

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  The best murder weapon ever would be a Tupperware lid - because no one would ever find it! #jokeoftheday #murdermystery

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  Did you see that business making artisan candied fruit? Amazing Glaces? #jokeoftheday #dadjokes #marketing

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  I went to the doctor with a suspicious looking mole. He said they all look that way , and I should have left him in the garden.. #jokeoftheday #medicaladvice #taupidity

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  Miscellaneous Corvid (probably a carrion crow) (2026) #art #mastoart #acryliconwood

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  I just found out my mate is addicted to brake fluid, it’s ok though, he says he can stop anytime. #jokeoftheday

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  My weight loss goal is simple. I just want to be able to lie on the beach without having marine biologists pouring buckets of water over me. #jokeoftheday #whaleofatime

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  “The government claiming we must drill more fossil fuels so we can use the tax revenues to fund the green transition is about as logical as a doctor telling you to smoke two packs a day to raise the money for your lung transplant.” Caroline Lucas #climateemergency #andyburnham #greentransition #ukpolitics #climatecrisis

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  Did you hear about the academic study that found paranoia is more widespread than previously thought. However, the data collecting methodology may have been flawed. #jokeoftheday #PsychologyResearch Edit: it seems people are wary about liking this post, but don’t worry - there will be NO COMEBACK if you do....

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  Where are you from? England Oh really, which part? Oh! All of me! #jokeoftheday #dadjoke #nationalanatomy

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  Breaking News: A man was hit and severely injured by a violin, by a clarinet and then by three trombones and a cello in the early hours of this morning Police are appealing for witnesses for what they suspect was an orchestrated attack ! #jokeoftheday #dadjoke #classicjokes

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  When I was a baby, my parents used to bathe me in cheap Australian lager. It wasn’t till I was 18 that I realised I’d been fostered. #jokeoftheday #dadjokes #familylife

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  My granddad was the first ever human statue.... I remember him still.... #jokeoftheday #dadjokes #family

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  Cyclops: how do you spell Hawaii? Mrs Cyclops: (biting lip) weeelll…. I think you need two ‘i’s Cyclops: (puts down pen) My life is just one big joke to you, isn’t it, Linda? #jokeoftheday #dadjokes #mythological

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  The last thing grandpa said before he kicked the bucket? “How far do you think I can kick this bucket?” #jokeoftheday #dadjoke #literalnotmetaphoric

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  I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night. It took me a while to realise it was just a Fanta sea. #jokeoftheday #dadjoke #sodajokeis

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  Got mugged by six dwarves last night. Not happy. #jokeoftheday #dadjokes #disnaemakeyoulaugh

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  Zwijndrecht (2026) #art #mastoart #acrylicpainting

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  A shark can swim faster than me, but I can run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would come down to who is the better cyclist. #jokeoftheday #dadjokes #surreal

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  Lord Nelson was about 5ft 6in His statue is 17ft 4in That’s Horatio of about 3:1 #jokeoftheday #dadjokes #mathsjokes

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  It’s a little known fact that Winnie the Pooh author AA Milne had a smaller brother called AAA Milne #jokeoftheday #writerjokes

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  I pirated a film yesterday I gave it 3.14 stars #jokeoftheday #dadjoke #Iknowitisntprecisebutforthesakeofthejoke