John "John Davies" Davies ☑️

johnnyd_cm@mastodonapp.uk

I have a sense of humour. It took years to hone drivel of this calibre.If you like my jokes, I WILL follow you back. And you will like it. Guitarist in my new band, Ground Zero. Instagram: @GroundZeroBlackpoolLook at my website and YouTube channel. Or else.Aspiring novelist. 'Cube' and 'Punacceptable' are out now! Instagram @john.davies.author<a href="https://mastodonapp.uk/tags/cats" class="mention hashtag" rel="tag">#cats</a> <a href="https://mastodonapp.uk/tags/guitar" class="mention hashtag" rel="tag">#guitar</a> <a href="https://mastodonapp.uk/tags/humour" class="mention hashtag" rel="tag">#humour</a> <a href="https://mastodonapp.uk/tags/jokes" class="mention hashtag" rel="tag">#<spa

Posts

Post #4259881
Me : "Excuse me, is this seat taken?" Liam Neeson: "Yes, it's has a very particular set of skills"
Post #4247503
A scientist likes to take matter into his own hands.
Post #4235139
I asked my mate "What does 'I haven't a scooby' mean?" He said "No idea" I said "OK then, I'll ask someone who does!"
Post #3974415
Caught a virus last week. It was late, the seats were cramped but the fare was reasonable.
Post #3837604
Out in the next day or two. I'm so sorry. Run. Hide. Find shelter. Won't do you any good. And I don't care.
Post #3737822
My wife says I've got a great imagination and I'm not even married!
Post #3653587
I feel I've seen the term "Deja vu" before.
Post #3601558
I opened a jar of instant coffee, but it was still just granules.
Post #3522361
I learned how to saw a woman in half! But all I get is "Murderer this", "Psychopath that", "Monster the other"...
Post #3488449
These new pneumatic drills are pretty groundbreaking.
Post #3479659
If you get drunk on shorts, is that being inabbreviated?
Post #3479658
A spider wrecking its web after catching a fly is like me trashing my house after I&#39;ve made a Pot Noodle.
Post #3479657
My mate was sceptical that I&#39;d caught measles, but now he&#39;s beginning to join the dots.
Post #3479656
I Googled my illness symptoms and it said sprinkle with grated cheese and grill for ten minutes.
Post #3479655
Knock knock. Who&#39;s there? Doorbell repair service.
Post #3479654
Teacher: &quot;What&#39;s your favourite letter?&quot; Pupil: &quot;Its G, sir&quot; Teacher: &quot;Why&#39;s that, Angus?&quot;
Post #3479653
It ain&#39;t what you do it&#39;s the way that you do it, It ain&#39;t what you do it&#39;s the way that you do it, It ain&#39;t what you do it&#39;s the way that you do it, And that&#39;s what gets you fired.
Post #3479652
My doctor says I&#39;ve developed altheletes foot, but it&#39;s not made me run any faster.
Post #3479651
I always taunt my dog by never telling him who the good boy is.
Post #3479650
Have you thought about turning off and not turning it back on again? That would solve a whole heap of problems.
Post #3479649
A weasel packed with rice and treacle makes an effective incendiary device.
Post #3479648
I mistook engine oil for vegetable oil and now my bacon does 0 - 60 in 3 seconds.
Post #3479647
If you put two Polar bears together, would they repel each other?
Post #3471824
Identifying confectionery is easy. Piece of cake!
Post #2622804
My wife owns a battery kiosk at a children's playground. She sells C cells by the seesaw.
Post #2455946
How come a fly can get into your house through a hole the size of an atom, but can&#39;t find its way out through an open window the size of a small country?!?
Post #2403523
Alan gets up at 5am. He leaves his house at 6am and walks 10 minutes to catch a bus. The bus takes 15 minutes to the train station. He catches a train at 6:35. The train arrives at 8:22 and he takes a 35 minute taxi ride to his workplace. At what point does he realise he has 35 more bloody years of this?
Post #2326079
Can we please turn the world off and on again?
Post #2277972
All work and no play makes Jack wish he&#39;d read the job description a little more thoroughly.
Post #2215006
Judge: "And how do you find the defendant?" Jury: "I looked and found him over there!"