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  I'm proud to announce I've opened a new paternity testing facility in Indiana, It's called, "Hoosier Daddy."

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  When an eel has a maw with a pharyngeal jaw, that's a moray.

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  I asked my daughter with a psychology degree, "So, do you still like hanging out with your dad or am I a case study?" She glanced at me, picked up her phone, and said, "Subject is aware."

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  In a bakery shop: "I'd like to buy a muffin with chocolate chips." Shop keeper: "Sorry, we only take cash."

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  A joke becomes a Dad Joke once it is apparent.

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  Wow, running into your old statistics professor, would be like, "what are the chances?"

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  I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing, retraced my steps, and got distracted on the way back. I have no idea what's going on, and now I have to pee. 😏

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  Job interview: "It says here on your CV that your first job was as a shop window mannequin." "Yes, I held that position for a long time."

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  Told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.

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  I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm okay, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

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  PRO TIP: Carry binoculars when hiking, so when you make frequent stops, it looks like you are appreciating nature and not fighting for air.

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  Bread is like the sun. It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.

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  I was today's day old when I realized the difference between a butt dial and a booty call.

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  Can an admin please tell me why my post was removed. I'm really annoyed by this because my fence has fallen over.

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  My girlfriend poked me in the eye. I stopped seeing her.

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  My brother took going to jail rather poorly. He refused food and drink. He spat and swore at anyone who came close to him and started throwing things everywhere. After that we NEVER played Monopoly again.

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  I suffer from kleptomania, but when it gets really bad, I take something for it.

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  The Institute Of Unfinished Business has concluded that 8 out of 10 people

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  The woman serving me at Burger King today had a badge on her left breast that said 'Pat.' Long story short, I'm now banned from Burger King.

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  "Honey, it says this cruise line caters to families with kids." "Really, what's it called?" "Are We There Yacht."

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  I wish my life had background music so I could at least know if I am in a comedy, drama, or horror show.

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  I tried to walk like an Egyptian Now I need a Cairo Practor.

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  The local wig shop was broken into last night. They've had to replace all the locks.

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  The formula to measure the area of a pun is: length x wit

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  My wife asked me if I thought our kids were spoiled . . . "No," I said, "I think all kids smell that way."

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  I'm trying to get into classical music, but I can't find any original recordings. All the music is performed by cover bands.

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  I misplaced Dwayne Johnson's paper cutting device at the origami workshop. I can't believe I lost the Rock's paper scissors.

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  I went to the doctor with a suspicious mole. He said they all look that way, and to take it back to the woods.

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  My biggest mistake was challenging Death to a pillow fight. I was NOT prepared for the reaper cushions.

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  The magician got so mad, he pulled his hare out.