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  i’ll believe the ai hype when it solves how to optimally wrap a cable using only the cable itself (i already know the solution)

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  fishing is just slot machines for outdoor people

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  me: don’t say you’re ‘babysitting,’ it’s called being a responsible father teenage neighbor: ok, fine, i can’t be a responsible father for your kids this weekend so you can go to dave and busters, i have an out of town chess tournament

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  trying to impress my date by telling the chili’s waitress to tell chili i said hello

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  *of montreal song playing, me preparing to impress my children by telling them i’ve seen them live and telling them about several other elephant 6 collective bands’ live shows i’ve experienced* my kids: this song is weird, i don’t like it, change it

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  go ahead and mock the forefathers. the troops, 9/11. whatever, idgaf. but if your stupid edgelord mouth utters one word that besmirches dolly parton, i will fucking soak your disrespectful ass with a garden hose.

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  people, stop saying “butt farts,” it’s like saying chai tea or atm machine

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  i haven’t paid my bills or run any errands this week because i’ve been absorbed by this new video game i’ve been playing nonstop for the last five days called payin’ bills and runnin’ errands. you have to make sure you pay your bills and run errands on time or you lose.

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  only the smartest 1% of intellectual nerds will get this: 80085

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  video creators need to stop doing those videos where the same person plays multiple people and just wears different clothes and hats/hair, if i wanted to watch someone with no friends, i’d look at the mirror

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  if i haven’t seen the iliad, will the odyssey still make sense?

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  website: add another email to recover your account to prevent getting locked out. me:

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  is the first date too early to ask for a lock of their hair because you want to have their smell on you and when they get freaked out and awkward, just tell them to drop it because you already have one anyway?

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  mountain dew or mountain don’t. there is no mountain try.

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  how can you tell if an actor is good or just really good at pretending to be an actor?

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  i work hard and i play hard and i eat hard(jelly beans) and i poop hard(because of the jelly beans)

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  of course i want ketchup with my fries, how else am i supposed to stay hydrated?

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  anyone else ever notice how dildos look like dicks? lol

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  pigtails for men

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  we’re all dented cans in the clearance aisle of the big lots of life

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  me: hey buddy, did you have a good day today? 6yo: i know my rights, i don’t have to answer that. am i being detained? me: so you’ve been watching lawyer youtube, i see

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  i hope the president eats thousands of hot dogs to prove his patriotism this july 4th

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  why do we call dead people ‘late’? bruh, they’re going to be more than late, you can put them down as a no-show

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  you're right, it is your party and you can cry if you want to, but it was really inconsiderate to not mention potential crying on the evite

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  i am going to be the future of ceos and ai companies should hire me if they don’t want to get left behind * stefan is human and can make mistakes

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  the great american state fyre festival

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  i'd rather be a wet bitch than a dry bitch

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  did you just say that to ME? a boy mom son???

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  casually mentioned to my 6yo the sun will eventually run out of fuel and incinerate the planet, but tried to console him by the fact that he doesn’t have to worry about it because we’ll all be dead way before that happens

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  “those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.” my fellow skeleton in the bone juicing machine, we couldn’t even remember any lessons from the chaos of 2020