Sorry for sounding harsh, but… fucking snap out of that self pity. Idk how, you know yourself best. Hit a punching bag, go for a walk, meet someone cool, imagine a stop sign, whatever. You are the motherfucking captain of your goddamn soul, don’t give in to the psychological bug that is “I probably would have deserved it”. Having fantasies is a totally different thing from actually being in a life-or-death situation. Plenty of people fantasise about this kind of stuff, and it is perfectly fine as long as you remember that it is a fantasy and act accordingly. Roleplay with a trusted partner? Sure, go for it, have fun! Actual sexual assault by people who are locked up for a reason? Completely different thing. I know, it is hard keeping these things apart, and the brain does weird things sometimes. It is not your fault for having weird thoughts. Period. But you can shape the way you feel, at least to some degree, because you are more than a bunch of stupid instincts and hormones and dissonances.