Post #4272407

2026-07-24 00:00 UTC

Why is every conservative a pedophile? I remember the conservative men I knew in childhood, and they were all woke by modern standards. Some beat their wives bloody, one spent a friend’s college fund on sex workers (jokes on him; last I heard she was the best in the business and the rest of us got student debt), several were known rapists, my aunts talked about office parties being ‘dangerous’, and marital rape was just kind of an assumption. But so few of them were pedophiles. Like I completely avoided being raped as a child. What happened? Was I just an unfuckable kid? Were all my friends whose families weren’t religious just unfuckable kids?

Replies (1)

@psycotica0@lemmy.ca 2026-07-24 04:07

I’m sorry you had to find out this way, but yes, you were an extremely unfuckable kid. I hacked into their mailing lists, meeting minutes, and records, and you would not believe how much time they spent talking about you. One of them said he was feeling very desperate once, and had an opportunity with you, but before he could go through with it he realized he was better than this and it turned his life around and fixed his low self-esteem. The meeting minutes made a point of highlighting that when he was discussing his rock-bottom moment, that he may stoop so low as to assaulting you, the assembled people audibly said “eww” and gasped. When he said he couldn’t bring himself to do it, everyone applauded. Sorry champ. But the good news is you grew out of it, like that classic kid’s story, The Unfuckable Duckling!

Open ##4272406