Post #4262051

Learned something uncomfortable about Xanax recently. I always knew the clinical word for it. I never felt it as true until now. It is a depressant. What it does is not lift anything. It turns the volume down. The noise, the dread, the constant monitoring of every room I am in, all of it quieter. I am also on antidepressants, at the same time. Two signals pushing in opposite directions. One trying to turn the volume up, the other turning it down. And where anhedonia has already zeroed a channel, there is nothing left for Xanax to mute there. You cannot dampen silence. Depression already runs the color down to shades of gray. Xanax does not bring color back. It just makes the gray less loud. For years, quieter felt like relief. It took me this long to notice that quieter and better were never the same thing. Years into recurrent depression. Learning the difference one relapse at a time. #Depression #Anhedonia #MentalHealth #Recovery #Health #Blog #Thoughts #Medication