I wish I was way less self-aware than I am. being both depressed/manic/crazy in general AND acutely aware of it just makes all of it so frustrating. I can be deeply melancholic, or feel like everyone actually hates my guts and lies to me, or think of someone as a perfect being, but I can't forget that all of it is just fake regardless of how intensely true it feels. this level of disconnection between my feelings and what I consider to be true just ends up making me apathetic toward everything