Post #4000601

@Grumblesock@clew.lol @meowski@fluf.club I don't think she even knows the truth herself. She's always been the kind of person to learn from the world by pushing against it, and the world pushing back. I'm a lot more the thinking theory and models kind of person. My best guess is that when she chose to marry me and come with me she didn't know what trading everyone and everything in her world for me really meant. It only truly sunk in after her grandma died, then her aunt died, then her mom got a heart attack and had to stop working, then her best friend got diagnosed with something that is very likely to kill in a year. All while she's hopping countries with me for years, places unfamiliar, languages she doesn't know, can't even talk to anyone, missing all what the US as a first-world country provides. Not even internet, water, and electricity are guaranteed things in the places we've been. So when she was last visiting the US to see family again after a few years away, it all finally hit her, hard. The life I'm living is not for her, not the life she always wanted to live. I thrive in uncertainty, in adjusting plans on the go, in adapting to whatever life throws at me, I had to, dealing with war and displacement and being wanted by my government for a decade for deserting the military during the civil war, and all kinds of things that I could have never planned beforehand, while her dreams were a cute little house in suburban America with two kids and a dog. The US wouldn't let me within a 100 miles of its border for the foreseeable future. No amount of tasty meals we cooked together, hobbies we shared, fun we had, promises we made, could replace the life she wanted, the person she wanted to be. She needed stability, safety, knowing where she was going, she needed friends and family and neighbors, nearby, that she could care for, live around, and who cared for her, not to feel alone. She saw my need to adapt all the time, and my focus on my work and business and gathering connections and resources, as me not knowing what I really want, not having the spine to commit to anything, and not having a vision for the future, but it was just that every future I had ever envisioned and worked for exploded with an artillery shell, or was shot down with an AA Tunguska quad cannon. She wanted her dream and her family, she wanted her home, and as a girl in late 20s she was running out of time to have kids and start settling down, putting down her roots. That's why I don't feel bitter or resentful towards her, because I know she needed a life that my circumstances did not allow, yet she gave it chance after chance, heck she stayed with me when Israeli missiles were blowing up Iranian missiles in the sky right above our heads, with thick brick walls around us shaking like drums. She was with me at every hardship, and every illness. She really tried. I only feel sad because most of what she wished for were also things I wished for too, but life was, and is still, too cruel to allow. I just wish she would finally get there, and be happy, even if it meant it had to be someone else who builds it with her. Anyway, sorry for the ramblings, being forcibly separated from someone you love, and who also loves you, is one hell of an experience. There are no bars where I'm at, so I'm just randomly venting my feelings at strangers online here and there. My apologies, friend, and thanks for listening.