Post #3834125

Disclaimer: this is a rhetorical question, which I am answering myself below. Just for you to know my stance, if you are interested. But feel free to leave a comment if you want to add something. Just please be aware, if I read it as an attempt to convince me to lower my expectations, spare yourself the effort. Sometimes I think that my approach is too lax. At least it used to be. Also, I am referring to transphobia as an example, because I had some interactions recently which fit the picture. But the same logic applies to other bigot/violent behaviour. So, obviously, there are well known transphobes, some are wealthy and powerful, some are just randos from the internet, organised in some groups or not. Those, certainly are not my friends. Period. Unfortunately, some of them are creators of cultural goods. And some of them, or their creations, might be important for your childhood. I am sorry that those authors had turned into shit. I know the pain (see https://circumstances.run/@agturcz/116920769003995675 for reference). I am sorry, but you have some work to do. Especially, if you belong to the group which is a subject of hate of such author. The bare minimum you can do is to be quiet about it. But let me be clear. If you are still paying for goods related to the creation of this author, you are paying for my own demise. Do not, and I cannot stress it more, do not expect friendliness from me. I cannot see you as an ally without violating my own integrity. Then there are neutrals. This - and some recent interaction - is the main reason for writing this toot. Some public figures are not neutral. And if you very assertively communicating, that you don't care about the life and values of some well known bad person, the message you send is, that you don't care, that their actions are hurtful to some group of people. And if I - knowingly to you - belong to this group, you send the message you don't care about me, and about my wellbeing. One of my flaws, to my own demise, is that I am too naive, and I trust people too much. If you are still a subject of benefit of doubts, or we already have some history, I will raise the issue with you, giving you a chance to reconsider. But if you, again, very assertively, tell me, that I am not going to change your mind, then fine. I am not going to. That's not my job. It's your job to consider the effects of your action. However, don't be surprised, if I take some precautions to assert my own wellbeing. But let me tell you. To majority of people I am granting some credit of trust. And, to some extent, I am forgiving. But if you knowingly run out of it, then it is very, very hard to gain my trust again. This is how my brain works. Even if I decide that I want to trust a person again, I need to put a conscious effort to do it. As an example, there is a person, who I learnt about for the first time, from their transphobic behaviour. That person went to my black list. Then, few months later - who could guess it - that person's egg has cracked. And as far as I can tell, they are decent, valuable person. But the seed of distrust in my heart is like invasive weed in the garden. But this is my work, and my effort to change it. If, finally, it happens that you belong to the same group as myself, then it's enough for me to undertake this effort. But if you are not, and you have changed your mind to become an ally, you will need to work hard to convince me, that you are worth the effort to get rid of the weed of distrust. I might be less strict for other cases of hostile behaviour, but transphobia is - for obvious reasons - my pet peeve. Here goes the hard line. Anything mentioned above goes to my black list. Here, on fediverse, it means a note on your profile, which might be upgraded to block. Then there is a grey zone. You interact with people on my black list too often. Like, person is blocked. But I see their handle in your replies, and it annoys me. Unless someone is particularly vile, I am against ganging up on them. Which puts me in a difficult situation. If we are friends, I will contact you in private mentioning my concerns. But this is already conflict-prone situation, because when I contact you, I already have some expectations. If we are not friends, then I might unfollow you, maybe even mute, without even telling you. And yes, it has happened in the past. You might say I am too harsh, and too picky. Maybe you are right. However, in the recent two years, since last summer olympics, too many people (both, known from IRL, and internet only), who I considered as friends and allies, has disappointed me. So, you know my boundaries(*), and you know what you can expect from me. (*) At least those related to bigotry and adjacent. There are others, but they are not in the scope of this toot.