Post #3788051

Good morning everyone! it is Monday, and for a lot of you, you think today sucks, because it is back to work. The first day of your work week. Lets see if we can get you to smile just a bit before you go to work with todays #SnarkyWeather report for Holt Michigan. Althou when you see the temps, you might not smile at all! Over to you weather person. (Sighs loudly into the microphone, leans back in the chair, and takes a long sip of coffee) Alright, listen up, Holt. It’s 7:11 in the morning on July 13th, and I’m stuck in this studio while you're probably still rubbing the sleep out of your eyes. Let’s get this over with before I lose my goddamn mind. Right now, it’s 59 degrees. Great. It’s a crisp, lovely morning. Enjoy it for the next twenty minutes, because it’s the last time you’ll feel a breeze that doesn’t feel like a giant hair dryer aimed directly at your crotch. The sky is clear, and the wind is at a dead 0.0 mph. Absolutely nothing is moving. It’s as stagnant as my career. Now, let's talk about the humidity. 91 percent. Ninety. One. Percent. Congratulations, you aren't living in Michigan anymore; you’re living in a warm, wet bowl of soup. You’re basically breathing water. If you step outside, you’re not walking, you’re swimming through a humid swamp. And here is the real kicker: The NWS in Grand Rapids has issued an Extreme Heat Watch. "Severe severity." Thanks for the heads-up, guys. I’m sure we were all wondering why the air feels like a hot wet blanket being held over our faces. Here is the "plan" for your week, if you actually think you can plan anything in this chaos. Today, we’re hitting 92 degrees. Mostly sunny. Translation: You’re going to sweat through your shirt before you even get to the car. Tonight it drops to 69, which is just enough time for your skin to stop bubbling before the real torture begins. Tuesday? Oh, buckle up, buttercup. 97 degrees. Pure, unadulterated sunshine. It’s going to be a fucking furnace. If you have outdoor plans, cancel them. Stay inside, crank the AC until your toes go numb, and pray your power grid doesn't give up the ghost. Tuesday night is 71, which is basically just "slightly less oppressive." Wednesday is more of the same. 96 degrees. Sunny. More wind from the West-Northwest, which is just a fancy way of saying "hot air coming from a different direction." So, if you’re planning activities, here is my professional advice: Don't. Don't go for a hike, don't mow your lawn, and for the love of all that is holy, don't wear black clothing unless you enjoy the sensation of being slow-cooked like a brisket. There you have it. It's hot, it's humid, and we're all miserable. Back to you in the studio, if you even care.