Post #3732522

This will be a long, rambly post which may turn into a thread depending on how carried away I get. Honestly, most people could probably pass this one by and be just fine, but I'm putting it out there just because I kind of need to. I've always been introverted, and I don't think that'll ever change. In the past, I'd tell people things like, "I'm a private person", but I'm trying to move away from that. Privacy is a great thing from the perspective of the person who wants ultimate control. They decide what doors and windows are open and for how long. It's safe, and low risk, but it's also an impedance. When we cling to our privacy, it's like shutting ourself in a bubble where we can see out, but others can't see in. Imagine this bubble has holographic emitters that can display an image we'd like the people in our lives to see. For a while, this even works, but the longer someone knows us, the likelier it is they'll start seeing through the facade. Ultimately, clinging to our privacy is making the choice to stay safe because we know we have vulnerabilities we'd very much not like others to find. Deep, jagged cuts, some of which may be scarred over, but cuts all the same. I'm starting to view it as a weakness. On the other hand, I've come to admire people who are warm, generous, and open. Especially if they've been through the wringer and haven't allowed life to beat them down. That's a source of strength and beauty. It's like a patch of wildflowers find a way to grow amidst tall grass and weeds that threaten to choke them out. I've been trying to undo learned behaviors surrounding emotions, bottling everything up, and so on. I can't say I've been entirely successful though, and I think this post is the culmination of my efforts paired with a deep, unmet yearning for more substantive interactions with people. That said, I know I tend to get in my own way. I've had multiple people who legitimately approach me and try to ask way too many personal questions way too fast. That has, and probably always will set alarm bells ringing in my head. What I can do though, is learn to handle it better, and I still have work to do on that front. So then it turns into this mind game the other person doesn't even know we're playing in which I pull away, but secretly hope they push a bit more, but when they do, I pull away more. It's not fair to them, and to be honest, it's not fair to myself either. It's stupid, and I'm not one for mind games, so what gives? In short, trust issues coupled with a fear of revealing things about myself and a fear that the person will only take what I tell them and use it to hurt me later. Again, it falls back to privacy equals safety and control, but when you exercise ultimate control, you're giving up so many aspects of life. We tend to fear the unknown, and staying within our privacy bubble is our best attempt to keep the unknown at arm's length. There's more to it though. I don't really have a person in my life I feel I can tell everything to. Not even my best friend who I knew since I was 6, though I do tell him *most* things. The only other person, the one who I pretty much told things I've never told another living soul has gone off and done his own thing now, and we don't share that common activity that lead us to one another anymore. Perhaps unironically, putting this stuff on Mastodon doesn't really bother me, because telling people I barely know isn't an issue for me. I've always sort of implemented the advice found in The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck by mark A. Manson, even before I ever read the book. The people who are closest to me are the ones whose opinions matter most. This leaves me in the precarious position of wanting... even longing for that sort of deeper connection with someone - a partner - or failing that, a really good friend with whom I can share my entire self, sans filters or masks or parts of myself kept hidden away. At the same time, I'm utterly terrified to let someone get that close to me. I've told a few about this, though I don't think the people I told really understood the scope of it. I've loved another human only once in my life, and she didn't reciprocate. A lot of things were going on in my life at the time, and while I remained friends with her for a while, our paths diverged. I will say this, it's extremely difficult to remain friends with someone once you've made your feelings clear to them and they turned you down. Even if they didn't do it in a mean way. But I felt it was worth it, and I'd always make that choice, even now. I'd say it took the better part of a decade for me to fully get over her. (1/2)