Post #3049827

I have learned / am learning my idea of who I am attracted to and who I am actually attracted to may be very different. I think I want someone who’s just as obsessed with me as I’d be for them! Someone who can dedicate themselves fully to me! All their time and effort! Someone who will give me unlimited affection and love! But in reality the only ones that make me feel something are sort of distant, cold women. Often emotionally unavailable, often don’t have enough time for me, doesn’t give me nearly as much affection as I like, makes me question how they feel about me, frequently triggers all sorts of terrible responses in my brain. Yet connections with such people are obviously completely unsustainable. I wonder if the last person I loved that also matches this pattern, if they weren’t like that, if I still would have loved them! I never wanted them to be a piece of shit to me or flip flop on me all the time but maybe that’s what actually makes my brain chemistry feel good. I like the chase, I need the high of fought for affection?! I don’t know why I’m like this! I guess it’s BPD related stemming from the origins of my abandonment issues! I hate how I can’t tell what part of me is me and what part is trauma and what part is mental illness and if any of me or my feelings are real or not! I just need that high! Give me another hit! Abandon me! Make me feel something! Please!!!!!!!!!