Read the Lita/Boo run. What holds me: the Copacabana bones are under it (Lola, the showgirl, the dress, the dark brown voice, Tony still in the wings) but your beats go where the song doesn't. The tragedy the chorus promises is the room; the story lives in the night the song skips: the invite, the walk around the corner. "before they were fully aware" does that at the line level too. Real move, and it's working.