Post #2884755

Aight. Update time. I am, despite what it may look like on fedi, not entirely gone, which those of you who moved instances and have seen the follow requests accepted may have noticed. I am, despite having paid a five week visit to rehab, still utterly unable to achieve even a minimum of consistent productivity, rendering me effectively useless on the job market and at the mercy of the horrendous social system we have here (which is still better than a lot of other places, mind you). For those wondering, rehab was basically two weeks of working with a competent therapist before being transferred to a quack which all signs point to having been for financial gain of the medical facility rather than my health, but, y'know, gotta cooperate lest you risk financial stability. Rehab was followed by a series of events making it very clear that I am still absolutely unable to have any social interactions going beyond the superficial level, so it's back to masking and emotional isolation which is fine I guess (scars are my own and do not reflect.… okay I can't think of a joke; basically if I'm not keeping in touch, distancing myself, being just socially awkward or whatever, that's most likely on my behalf and does not imply any bad interactions on your behalf). My medical treatment was supposed to get sorted by myself in the past three months since I got out of rehab and due to my condition *checks notes* nothing happened at all because I cannot do jack shit, which is going to make for a lovely conversation with my doc when I'll talk to them again in about two weeks (imagine telling someone you did not manage to make a single call to get treatment for your mental health in 12 weeks). Overall, the past like.… 13 months or so have been hell, and they continue to be hell. I am unable to cope with life, the universe, and everything, and if I haven't gotten back to your email *checks notes* since my birthday last year (to refer to one specific instance at random), that's why. This update brought to you by: me feeling sick af whenever I think of my situation and health, writing this down so that I can blissfully ignore myself for a bit longer. Also, it feels bad just having my profile sit there as dead as I feel inside. I don't want it to look like I left fedi or anything – I haven't – it's still basically the primary platform I use, it's just that my usage is basically zero since I can't social anymore. With most of the relevant posts from back when I was somewhat active (half a year ago) being followers-only I guess a single public post is appropriate. I'm still here, I check my notifications every week or so, I just can't actually post anything here because fedi is where I'm myself, and "myself" is not something I can provide currently. Thanks to everyone who has thought about sending me a message but decided against it. Being myself hurts, and I'd prefer not having to be myself to reply to anyone. The thought of just locking down everything; fedi, GitHub, Steam, etc., to properly disappear from public view crossed my mind, but that's just not me. No matter how much it hurts being myself, I can't be anyone else either. I can minimize my presence, but doing anything out of character hurts just the same. TL;DR: I'm not okay, but I'm technically alive. Please continue to leave me alone.