Post #2694121

I find that existential dread follows me everywhere, it's like a hidden emotion where all you feel is your stomach in your throat and a void that radiates a horrible feeling in your stomach, a sharp sparking pain in your head like neurons firing in all the wrong directions. It only shows itself when something is seen, heard, felt, tasted, or smelt that makes your mind instantaneously spark down a neural pathway to the thought of when am I going to die, will I be content when it happens, will I be 80 or 30, will it be instant or lasting, painful or painless. Fearing the nothing you will be, causing you to spiral and wish you were nothing in some paradoxical complex feeling. People say I romanticise death, but I don't know how else to cope. There is no way out of it, all I can see is that my most viable way out is to die in a fit of euphoria where I believe its what I want and that I'm content with it. I feel seeing it as some sacrificial event or an artistic take gives my life and death some sort of meaning, and for some reason it makes me feel ok in the moment. Maybe I'm just depressed and it leads me into thinking about it and feeling it more. I don't understand why I'm like this, even thinking about me being here right now, that I have a brain that's processing all this is too much to grasp. The consciousness thinking of consciousness is so paradoxical I feel like it would drive anybody crazy without distraction.