Post #2209311

2026-05-08 07:50 UTC

@david@social.kernel.org @vbabka@mastodon.social You end up 'stuck' on the things your mind is telling you that are true - others had more insight, better commentary, more rooted in experience. Others spoke with more eloquence, more authority, with fewer words, less umming and ahhing... Others are far better respected, as revealed in the numerous ways people reveal themselves both verbally and otherwise. All true, but not the same thing as 'therefore I am a fraud and worthless'. More like - clearly I lack a broader view of "the mm in action". I'm burnt out and spread thin on review load. AND I CAN FIX THAT. There are insights to be had here - what exactly made other's insights more useful? It was the breadth, observing broken workloads _in practice_, the focus too. All things I can take as signals that point me at ways to improve as a kernel developer and maintainer.

Replies (1)

@ljs@mastodonapp.uk 2026-05-08 07:53

@david@social.kernel.org @vbabka@mastodon.social This is all very naval gazey and I apologise for that, in many ways it's dull and repetitious, but I want to 'talk out loud' about it while it's fresh... The issue underlying it all is that I REALLY truly believe that I'm just not that good. And I'm not sure I can ever get past that. That feeling that underneath it all, people see me as an amusing sideshow of churn and code style commentary is hard to escape, no matter what anybody says (well of course they'd be kind to me, etc. the loop continues, endlessly) Sometimes the demon speaks louder and sometimes softer. I think the only way to deal with it is to ignore it, because in the end if I am stupid and untalented, it's almost immaterial. I chose to do this thing, I have responsibilities in this thing, and stupid or not, skilled or not, respected or not, I am going to keep doing it, whether professionally or as a hobbyist. The only winning game with a demon is not to listen, in other words.

Open ##2209424