Post #1649597

@taedryn Because of my personal history, I am a bit sensitive to some types of treatment, so I might need to think about the question some more. I think that using a label that people aren't sure about might lead them to pick what they feel are the "safest" options and they might not be correct. I use the label for asexual. I don't experience sexual attraction, and what I mean by that is that I don't feel an active desire to have sex with anyone specifically. My general feeling about it is basically a shrug emoji. I tend to be ambivalent. I quickly become averse or repulsed under certain conditions. I don't think this is anything uncommon among other asexual folks I interact with. Like, given the choice between some sort of pleasant sexual encounter, and one of my freshly baked cookies, I know which one I'd go for, and it's not the sexual encounter. I do sometimes feel conflicted about using the label, because some people have a tendency to make certain assumptions. The assumptions often make the label equivalent to "sex-repulsed", "celibate", "militantly celibate", "immature", "virgin", etc. Reactions based on these assumptions vary significantly; from acting as if I just said I was "allo-lite" (invalidating) to completely muting any sexuality adjacent talk and excluding me from most discussions (alienating). I've also had someone in the ace community be a bit invalidating because I'm not sex repulsed all the time like they were. While I know better now, it had a long lasting impact as it was early days for me. I've also had some people just straight up get angry and claim I was lying or making up a whole new sexuality (that was an abusive situation). Understandably I'm a little wary about how people might react, but I don't let it stop me from being myself (anymore). I think it's easier when people just ask what sort of stuff is okay and what isn't. Or simply ask for clarification if confused. Like I get folks asking if it's okay to flirt and the answer is generally yes. I often clarify expectations with how I don't experience sexual or romantic attraction and I don't want to give the wrong impression. Sometimes this needs further clarification, but it opens up a discussion which is the helpful part. Once while I was tying someone up for what is effectively a sort of talk sesh with rope involved, and they stopped at a part of their story and asked "Oh, is it okay if I talk about sex stuff as part of this story? I know you're ace and I'm not sure..." That was a great, explicit way to clarify something. I didn't think it was necessarily something ace-specific, but I still appreciated the ask rather than it being an assumption. I will occasionally get weird looks if I'm talking about sexual topics, "Aren't you ace?" (Could be snarky, could be genuinely confused - tone matters) "I'm ace, not celibate..." (Elaboration varies based on tone) I've learned to reframe things and try explaining my boundaries if I feel like I just shutdown the room by acknowledging that I'm ace. Like this doesn't mean "stop flirting!" There's so many ways to flirt that are exclusive to ace dynamics, and it's a shame people are missing out. It's not too difficult to talk me into bed for some cozy and warm snuggles. We can explore each other's bodies 🤭. And by that I mean counting freckles or sketching out an imaginary city or forest on some body part terrain. Fun, intimate, sensual activities that have no sexual undertones. Back to the main question of how I feel about the impact of using the label. I've identified as ace for a long time. I didn't use the label for a while after being treated like I was "making it up" or "appropriating the label" or the various other things from the early days. I have a whole essay about things that happened in between that and me finally adopting the label with renewed self-confidence. There's still carryover though. I avoid labeling myself when it's not necessary in IRL social situations. And when I feel comfortable I people aren't treating me too differently for being ace, I get the flip side of the feeling of "Do they secretly think I'm just misusing the label and rolling with it?" I know it's extremely unlikely to be the case, but it's anxiety (not rational). As a result many social situations involve me balancing multiple "possible narratives" and trying to act like any of them can be true. This isn't great, but it doesn't happen all the time. I get to have a diverse set of meaningful and intimate relationships with folks and some of them I can feel comfortable being extra vulnerable knowing that they'll take what I'm saying at face value and not silently reinterpret it. Hopefully that helps answer the question. I sort of rambled, and I don't know that it was very cohesive. I also had to resist the urge to layer in all the baggage that comes with the aro label as I feel that is out of scope.